The Drowsy Poet

I've been thinking. A lot. I know this is probably going to be the single most detrimental thing to my existence, yet it still happens. I mean, I think way too much. I think about the future, I think about the past, I think about how things would happen differently, I think about things that don't even exist or events that have never happened and wonder if they would change my life at any given moment.

My favorite place when I was in Virginia was a place called The Drowsy Poet. It was the only coffee shop worth going to in Lynchburg, and it is a place that I miss. But I think there is something wrong with the name. A drowsy poet doesn't seem to fit the poet that I know. Poet's seem to be troubled and neurotic with big hearts, but bigger minds that screw everything up. I'm realizing that I think I'm a part of this crowd because I can't stop THINKING!!! I just want myself to shut up all the time.

Part of this stems from the fact that I think I might be depressed. Not like crazy I'm going to kill myself depressed, but a depressed that I can't seem to shake. Behind door number one is loneliness. If there is anything in this world that will shake me it's loneliness. I find myself lonely all the time. It doesn't matter how many people are around me, it's like I have this wall up. I feel like I'm behind a glass window pounding on it, and screaming "I'm here! I really am!" but no one can hear me. I just move through life never really giving all of myself to the people around me.

I also long to be in someone else's arms. Family is great, but I long for someone that I can hold in my arms, and they can hold me, and it's like we're one. If there's one thing that pushes me off the deep end and into a sea of loneliness, it's the fact that I don't have that.

I pray to God that He would take this from me, but I'm not sure I'm praying hard enough, because it always comes back.

P.S.
If all you can respond with is "One day, Derek, she'll come and it'll be awesome." Nothing personal, but I'd rather you not. I'm praying that it's true, and I've heard it before. So I'll just assume it's a big ditto. I don't mean this to be harsh.