Rants

So I've been on vacation this week and haven't really had time to blog, but I did have time to, get this, actually write with a pen...on paper...in a journal...so this is it:

August 6th 2008...In the car coming home from Charlotte, NC

I haven't journaled in a really long time. I have created a blog thought, but I'm in the car and have no access. There's a mood I'm in that is so restless. It's like I feel God is planning something huge in my life and I'm not patient enought to wait for it. I search for things that will change my life in drastic ways just so that i can scratch the itch for change in my life on my own terms. The thing I should be doing is taking this lull and using it to get closer to God and letting Him work on whatever it is that He's doing. Part of this is a jealousy and envy of other people whose lives have taken a turn for the better and my own lust for success. I have this premature fear of being stuck in the same place, with the same people, in the same job, for the rest of my life, and that's not what I want. It's too early for me to be thinking that because I'm only 22, but there are people around me that aren't much older than me, or the same age, and they are happily married and have families, some are seriously successful musically, and people that care for them intimately. Maybe this is what I'm sort of running from. If I keep myself busy with myself then it takes the loneliness and takes it down a notch. I don't think about it as much. I just can't help thinking things through and thinking forward. I can't help thinking that God has already made me successful as a worship leader on a small scale and has gifted me, or maybe not (and this is another issue) as a songwriter that I could use those on a larger scale. As for the other issue, maybe my stuff's not as good as people think. Maybe I'll never be as good as I need to be to be successful on a larger scale. And maybe I am and I'm being too conservative in my efforts to get my material out there. Maybe I need to put my worship stuff out there for others to use and for the songs to get exposure. One of the reasons, I guess, that I'm not being forward about this stuff is that I'm afraid of my pride. I"m afraid that I"ll become too full of myself and lose God. But I don't want my songs to promote me as an individual, I don't believe that's my calling. I'm not a performer, I'm not a "musical artist" in the business sense, I'm a worship leader and a songwriter. I want my songs to promote God, not even the church I"M writing for. I don't want my songs affiliated with anyone but Jesus Christ.

That's where I finished the entry, but I knew I had more. It came later that night.

August 6th 6:22pm

I never finished what I was writing above. I just didn't have anything to say at the time, but I knew I wasn't finished. So my attempt now is to finish my thoughts. I'm pretty sure that all my feelings of desire for grandeur stem from the fact that I want someone next to me that will bring change tangibly. Often God doesn't work in instant gratification and sometimes I just want someone who can appear to do that. But would I let her take the place of God? I pray that I would never let that happen. Honestly, I just want someone to complete me because I have a passion for God and I love Him with everything I have, even when I don't act like it. I feel incomplete. I can't help that because it's a desire of my heart, to no be alone intimately. The tough part is this whole waiting thing. I get this feeling that I don't want to date anyone because I really don't feel like getting hurt. I also haven't really felt like there is anyone in my life right now that it would be worth the risk to make myself vulnerable in front of. No one, and I mean no one, has ever had mutual feelings for me and that makes things hard. I don't know what that looks like or how to handle that. It's all crazy, which is why I'm pretty much staying out of that arena right now, unless I know that God has a hand in it. I think I'm pretty much done now.

I don't really edit my journals, so if this doesn't make any sense, it does to me.