What A Vicious Cycle

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I can be so useless for God. At the moment, thought this isn't the worst I've felt, I just feel like every breath is wasted because it doesn't come from a deep enough place. Like I don't feel my words are matching my heart right now. My actions are less than valiant and I do things (a lot of things) that I know only break God's heart. Yet I do them anyway, sometimes without a care.

So I'm feeling useless at the moment.

This is so hard because I love to lead worship. I love to sing praise to God and play music for Him, but when I screw up, man...do I feel like I'm in the wrong. I feel like I'm a complete hypocrite and my words are in vain.

Am I? Are they?

Some scripture says to stay silent if you don't mean the words you say.

I've also been taught that you should persevere through your trials and in worship because even though your mind may not be "in it," your heart is.

I feel like my heart is, but my actions tell me where my heart is, and my heart is drifting. I haven't read the Word in a while, ok, a long time, and that's probably where this is stemming. This week, I'm vowing to surround myself with nothing but Godly things, in hopes to somehow purge this vice from my life.

I'm tired of just treating the syptoms. I'll be okay for awhile, but then it creeps right back in and destroys what I had built up with God's help.

It's interesting that as I started writing this blog it started to pour outside. Like pelting rain. And I had this sudden urge to just run outside and get soaked in it because I feel like I'm covered in dirt. Or that I just need to have water run over me. Hmm.

Keep me accountable this week, even if you don't know what it is, just ask me how I'm doing. Thanks.