Final Post

Hello all,
This is my final posting on this blog. I've decided to pursue a change in scenery. If you wish to keep up with my ramblings go over to guitarsanddirtyclothes.tumblr.com

So my final posting is a poem I've written called ON PURPOSE

When my eyes could barely see
And my mouth could barely speak
I would stand in the sand and watch my tiny toes sink
Into that dark grey sinkhole, sometimes up to the ankle
Knowing that the role I play at this very moment
Is no blank in the universe, no missing plank in the bridge,
But a role that takes stage after stage after stage after stage, and goes on like a rage after an alcoholic's final straw

A moment so innocent, filled with wonderment, a moment purified from genocide, pesticide, and things like Sesame Street, baby food, and running to your mother are glorified, magnified, and solidified, by the fact that I am on a beach with the sand in my toes, something like four years old
Playing a role, Given a second chance
To happen upon circumstance that would make me the way I am

Snatched from a cancer that starts with an L
Ends in eukemia, and pushed on towards academia to fulfill,
and spill into, the minds of others, not to mention the hearts,
that like jars are filled with moments like mine,
ready to burst forth like a bomb whose time is up.

Melodies and lines that rise and sink like my toes deep,
Into hearts that beat with pressures, stresses, tests, and quests,
I create because I am made to do just that, tap, slap, and trap
The colloquial and the formal just so I can ease this troubled
Cranial grey matter that sometimes can be unexplainable yet so concrete to me

Reasons can be unattainable at best, but I rest
Knowing I know whose I am, and who’s behind the wheel, or who’s under
That sand pulling it slowly downward with my feet in tow

So when I say that my toes are slowly sinking, my ankles soon to be deep in salty liquid...
I am no accident, no predicament, I am

On purpose

Goonies Never Say Die

It's funny how when something comes to the end, we begin to think about everything that has led up to the end.

College has been absolutely amazing. I'm kind of disheartened by writing that last sentence. For so long I've been ready to leave. Ready to finish. Now that it's almost over, it's all too soon. The realization of never being in college again, another chapter closing, is sinking into my brain (and my heart).

Not that I want this to be a debbie downer post, but I feel like my life as I know it is finished. In a sense it is. This life that I've known for the past five and a half years is soon to be over. But a new life is about to begin for me. It's scary. I feel as if my social life is going to take a hit. I don't have many friends my age and it's because I've made sacrifices in my life for the sake of ministry. That sounds like I'm trying to be the martyr, but it's really the simple truth. The pain of sacrifice hasn't really hit me until now. Since moving to Ringgold, living with my parents, and commuting to school, I feel like I've missed out on a lot.

Now that I'll soon be on my own, I'm afraid that I'll be alone more than I want to be. I'm afraid that I won't find those who relate to me and the only thing I'll have is my job. I don't want a mediocre life, I don't want to stay in my little safe box and never take any risks, I don't want to live a life consisting of go to work, eat dinner, go to bed, repeat. I want to be out in the world and experiencing it.

Movies like The Goonies, Peter Pan, and Dead Poet's Society are playing out in my head because I want to grow up, I want to move on, but in all honesty the adult life seems extremely drab and boring. And my question is, why? Goonies never say die. Peter Pan grows up in the movie Hook and look what happens to him. He becomes boring and forgets where he came from. He loses himself.

How many of you out there have forgotten that you were once a child? How many of you are making excuses for not living? Have you become complacent? I'm not sure I'm ready for this, but we'll see.

Of Worlds and Oysters

It's a few weeks into the fall semester and I'm feeling the changes. The changes in time, family, and the overall feeling in my heart. As my life takes its place in the universe, I'm moving down my road, in addition to everyone else I know going down their roads. I'm in Milledgeville right now at my brother's college. It seems like yesterday that he was my little goofy brother, but he's growing up (still goofy), and things are different. Things are great. Life is so full of surprises. I have no idea where my life is headed in the next few months, but I heard my sister say the world is her oyster and I'm feeling that more than ever. For so long I've felt held down, or obligated to stay where I'm at, but the more I think and feel and pray things out, the more I realize I need to put my feelers out to other places and other experiences. I'm excited for what the future holds, and I hope that I'm never afraid to take risks.

Oooh, That Smell

Man. I can't remember the last time I blogged. Funny, I can look down a few inches and bring that back to memory.

I've gotten to the point where I only write when I have something write about, and I guess that eases the minds of whomever reads this (not that there's many) because it leaves out useless musings.

Church was great today. We had some serious moves of God and He was there. But I'm left here thinking about my strange relationship with people. I mean, theoretical relationship. My heart goes out for people, but then again, they're the ones who piss me off the most. I don't understand why some people do the things they do. I never will.

Today brought to mind how people are so adamantly against change. When something changes, there's that smell in the air. There's this mindset of "don't fix what's not broken." This kind of attitude promotes:

1.comfort
2.complacency
3.a sense of perfection

Comfort, complacency, and a, false might I add, sense of perfection are the black plague of ministry.

Every time something changes it's automatically assumed that it's because something doesn't work.

This is sooooo not the case. Something can be working wonderfully and be changed. This is where the real pain happens. This is where the claws come out. This is where glorious things can happen We have to understand that everything can be BETTER. It's not that whatever is changing is bad, it's just that it can often times be BETTER. Change is the tool used on the road to something great. Everything has to change at some point in time, and in ministry, YOU have to trust that your leadership is following God. If you don't think they are, then you have a right to leave, but if your unrest is based on petty, personal issues, then there needs to be a heart-check and you can either leave over it, or you can suck it up, and trust that God will move through the change. Because He will. He doesn't needs man's approval. Change is tough. Change is painful at times. But change, when following the will of God, is beautiful.

Splitscreen

Ok. So I've been really out of it lately. There haven't been many times in my life where I've felt like I was completely separate from the world, but lately that's what it feels like. I've written before about how sometimes it feels like I'm on one side of a large window that splits a room in half and all the people who are in my life are on the other.

I hit the glass hard, pounding my fists until they're raw, and I scream until my voice is gone. Everyone hears me. But I can't hear myself. The only person keeping me locked on that side of the room is myself.

I need to fix this because I don't even want to be near me. I'm a hazard to all that is light and playfull, happy, and carefree. I feel so incredibly weighed down that it's all I can do to just smile. I'm cringing at the thought of even writing this because I HATE debbie-downers and I fear it's what I'm becoming.

Someone look me in the eyes sometime and you might be able to find a way in.

False Start

So it's Tuesday, the second day of the week, and I have a knack for starting days off on the wrong foot. I can feel myself being attacked really hard for all the great things that happened in New Orleans last week, but I wish I could say that I've won those battles. Yesterday was rough, and you would think that something that has plagued me before would be the last thing that I turn to in a time of war, but again I lost a battle today. Hopefully, and this is what I pray for, I can live the rest of day out of guilt and forget about it. Guilt is not from God. I feel that as soon as we can all recognize this, the better off we'll be. I'm not giving myself a license to sin, because that's not the life that Jesus wants us to live, but I'm not condemned by Jesus. There is no condemnation. Grace is such a perfect gift. I really don't want to go back to living life being numb, so I'll try harder to preserve and grow the life I still have in me.

HOPE Rise

I'm sitting here, it's just past 11 o'clock and I'm reeling with emotions, thoughts, and reflections over the past week. I've been in New Orleans helping out Katrina victims and the processing of it all is beginning to take place. As I think through all the happenings of the week I am certain of three things: the world has hope, God has hope, and hope comes through insignificant people.

One of the things we did as a student ministry in New Orleans was something so spiritually profound I don't know how to explain it. We handed out SnowBalls. Well, maybe it wasn't a theological or spiritual breakthrough, but man, was it awesome! We got to experience the people of New Orleans, which is the whole point. Something as simple as handing out free icy treats touched lives in incredible ways. We had so many people say to us things like, "You're bringing back the neighborhood" and "We're gonna make it" and "If it weren't for people like you, this place would still be a wreck." THIS IS THE STUFF I LIVE FOR! This is what Christ calls us to do. He calls us to let the world know that it still has hope. There is still hope in this world!

So we're handing out SnowBalls and a man walks up and takes one. He's a tall, underweight, man who looks rough. If you've ever seen The Machinist with Christian Bale, that's how he looked. Maybe not as emaciated, but he didn't look healthy. One of our students started talking with him and the guy asked us to pray for him. He didn't mean right there, but in general. Our student, who I saw incredible leadership in across the whole week, pulled him aside and started praying for him right there on the sidewalk. As I was talking to this student, later he said something like there's wasn't a point in letting him go and not be prayed for. I am so proud of the students in the group, and they're not just students, they're my friends this week that these words I write don't do it justice. Tears are coming to my eyes because I saw JESUS in them. God has hope for his people. He's probably looking down on us saying, "Keep it up! You're doing it! This is my kingdom being built and you are doing so well! I love you!" God believes in us.

Personally, I am really good at convincing myself that I'm insignificant. I pretty much always feel like God is going to use me in big ways, but that I'm not good enough to work for Him. I stumble...a lot. Something weird that's happened to me for probably two years now is that I have a number. People that know me, know this number because it follows me. I see it on billboards, on license plates, written on the back of dump trucks, in addresses, etc. The number is 311. I hadn't had the slightest clue about the meaning of such a thing, if there was even a meaning behind it until just recently. I was listening to a pastor speak and he used Exodus 3:11 which says, "But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" The man who was used by God to save the Israelites questioned God about his significance. If you've ever dealt with the ministries of a church, you've seen the students get shafted in the trust category. There are many churches that shun their students, thinking they're separate entity from the rest of the church. They're given their own room just so they can stay out the hair of everyone else. The truth is quite the contrary. Students are not insignificant. They are VITAL. Let me repeat that. They are VITAL to the life of the church. Who do you think is going to take over the church when the generation before them is gone? They are the future. This trip showed me that there is hope in the seemingly insignificant. God uses the underdog.

Hope was brought hard to New Orleans this week and I'm sure I speak for the group when I say it's time to shake the very foundations of our own community.