A Work In Progress

Final Post

2009-11-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

Hello all,
This is my final posting on this blog. I've decided to pursue a change in scenery. If you wish to keep up with my ramblings go over to guitarsanddirtyclothes.tumblr.com

So my final posting is a poem I've written called ON PURPOSE

When my eyes could barely see
And my mouth could barely speak
I would stand in the sand and watch my tiny toes sink
Into that dark grey sinkhole, sometimes up to the ankle
Knowing that the role I play at this very moment
Is no blank in the universe, no missing plank in the bridge,
But a role that takes stage after stage after stage after stage, and goes on like a rage after an alcoholic's final straw

A moment so innocent, filled with wonderment, a moment purified from genocide, pesticide, and things like Sesame Street, baby food, and running to your mother are glorified, magnified, and solidified, by the fact that I am on a beach with the sand in my toes, something like four years old
Playing a role, Given a second chance
To happen upon circumstance that would make me the way I am

Snatched from a cancer that starts with an L
Ends in eukemia, and pushed on towards academia to fulfill,
and spill into, the minds of others, not to mention the hearts,
that like jars are filled with moments like mine,
ready to burst forth like a bomb whose time is up.

Melodies and lines that rise and sink like my toes deep,
Into hearts that beat with pressures, stresses, tests, and quests,
I create because I am made to do just that, tap, slap, and trap
The colloquial and the formal just so I can ease this troubled
Cranial grey matter that sometimes can be unexplainable yet so concrete to me

Reasons can be unattainable at best, but I rest
Knowing I know whose I am, and who’s behind the wheel, or who’s under
That sand pulling it slowly downward with my feet in tow

So when I say that my toes are slowly sinking, my ankles soon to be deep in salty liquid...
I am no accident, no predicament, I am

On purpose

Goonies Never Say Die

2009-09-25T05:04:00.000-07:00

It's funny how when something comes to the end, we begin to think about everything that has led up to the end.

College has been absolutely amazing. I'm kind of disheartened by writing that last sentence. For so long I've been ready to leave. Ready to finish. Now that it's almost over, it's all too soon. The realization of never being in college again, another chapter closing, is sinking into my brain (and my heart).

Not that I want this to be a debbie downer post, but I feel like my life as I know it is finished. In a sense it is. This life that I've known for the past five and a half years is soon to be over. But a new life is about to begin for me. It's scary. I feel as if my social life is going to take a hit. I don't have many friends my age and it's because I've made sacrifices in my life for the sake of ministry. That sounds like I'm trying to be the martyr, but it's really the simple truth. The pain of sacrifice hasn't really hit me until now. Since moving to Ringgold, living with my parents, and commuting to school, I feel like I've missed out on a lot.

Now that I'll soon be on my own, I'm afraid that I'll be alone more than I want to be. I'm afraid that I won't find those who relate to me and the only thing I'll have is my job. I don't want a mediocre life, I don't want to stay in my little safe box and never take any risks, I don't want to live a life consisting of go to work, eat dinner, go to bed, repeat. I want to be out in the world and experiencing it.

Movies like The Goonies, Peter Pan, and Dead Poet's Society are playing out in my head because I want to grow up, I want to move on, but in all honesty the adult life seems extremely drab and boring. And my question is, why? Goonies never say die. Peter Pan grows up in the movie Hook and look what happens to him. He becomes boring and forgets where he came from. He loses himself.

How many of you out there have forgotten that you were once a child? How many of you are making excuses for not living? Have you become complacent? I'm not sure I'm ready for this, but we'll see.

Of Worlds and Oysters

2009-09-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

It's a few weeks into the fall semester and I'm feeling the changes. The changes in time, family, and the overall feeling in my heart. As my life takes its place in the universe, I'm moving down my road, in addition to everyone else I know going down their roads. I'm in Milledgeville right now at my brother's college. It seems like yesterday that he was my little goofy brother, but he's growing up (still goofy), and things are different. Things are great. Life is so full of surprises. I have no idea where my life is headed in the next few months, but I heard my sister say the world is her oyster and I'm feeling that more than ever. For so long I've felt held down, or obligated to stay where I'm at, but the more I think and feel and pray things out, the more I realize I need to put my feelers out to other places and other experiences. I'm excited for what the future holds, and I hope that I'm never afraid to take risks.

Oooh, That Smell

2009-08-02T10:08:00.001-07:00

Man. I can't remember the last time I blogged. Funny, I can look down a few inches and bring that back to memory.

I've gotten to the point where I only write when I have something write about, and I guess that eases the minds of whomever reads this (not that there's many) because it leaves out useless musings.

Church was great today. We had some serious moves of God and He was there. But I'm left here thinking about my strange relationship with people. I mean, theoretical relationship. My heart goes out for people, but then again, they're the ones who piss me off the most. I don't understand why some people do the things they do. I never will.

Today brought to mind how people are so adamantly against change. When something changes, there's that smell in the air. There's this mindset of "don't fix what's not broken." This kind of attitude promotes:

1.comfort
2.complacency
3.a sense of perfection

Comfort, complacency, and a, false might I add, sense of perfection are the black plague of ministry.

Every time something changes it's automatically assumed that it's because something doesn't work.

This is sooooo not the case. Something can be working wonderfully and be changed. This is where the real pain happens. This is where the claws come out. This is where glorious things can happen We have to understand that everything can be BETTER. It's not that whatever is changing is bad, it's just that it can often times be BETTER. Change is the tool used on the road to something great. Everything has to change at some point in time, and in ministry, YOU have to trust that your leadership is following God. If you don't think they are, then you have a right to leave, but if your unrest is based on petty, personal issues, then there needs to be a heart-check and you can either leave over it, or you can suck it up, and trust that God will move through the change. Because He will. He doesn't needs man's approval. Change is tough. Change is painful at times. But change, when following the will of God, is beautiful.

Splitscreen

2009-07-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I've been really out of it lately. There haven't been many times in my life where I've felt like I was completely separate from the world, but lately that's what it feels like. I've written before about how sometimes it feels like I'm on one side of a large window that splits a room in half and all the people who are in my life are on the other.

I hit the glass hard, pounding my fists until they're raw, and I scream until my voice is gone. Everyone hears me. But I can't hear myself. The only person keeping me locked on that side of the room is myself.

I need to fix this because I don't even want to be near me. I'm a hazard to all that is light and playfull, happy, and carefree. I feel so incredibly weighed down that it's all I can do to just smile. I'm cringing at the thought of even writing this because I HATE debbie-downers and I fear it's what I'm becoming.

Someone look me in the eyes sometime and you might be able to find a way in.

False Start

2009-07-14T07:42:00.001-07:00

So it's Tuesday, the second day of the week, and I have a knack for starting days off on the wrong foot. I can feel myself being attacked really hard for all the great things that happened in New Orleans last week, but I wish I could say that I've won those battles. Yesterday was rough, and you would think that something that has plagued me before would be the last thing that I turn to in a time of war, but again I lost a battle today. Hopefully, and this is what I pray for, I can live the rest of day out of guilt and forget about it. Guilt is not from God. I feel that as soon as we can all recognize this, the better off we'll be. I'm not giving myself a license to sin, because that's not the life that Jesus wants us to live, but I'm not condemned by Jesus. There is no condemnation. Grace is such a perfect gift. I really don't want to go back to living life being numb, so I'll try harder to preserve and grow the life I still have in me.

HOPE Rise

2009-07-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, it's just past 11 o'clock and I'm reeling with emotions, thoughts, and reflections over the past week. I've been in New Orleans helping out Katrina victims and the processing of it all is beginning to take place. As I think through all the happenings of the week I am certain of three things: the world has hope, God has hope, and hope comes through insignificant people.

One of the things we did as a student ministry in New Orleans was something so spiritually profound I don't know how to explain it. We handed out SnowBalls. Well, maybe it wasn't a theological or spiritual breakthrough, but man, was it awesome! We got to experience the people of New Orleans, which is the whole point. Something as simple as handing out free icy treats touched lives in incredible ways. We had so many people say to us things like, "You're bringing back the neighborhood" and "We're gonna make it" and "If it weren't for people like you, this place would still be a wreck." THIS IS THE STUFF I LIVE FOR! This is what Christ calls us to do. He calls us to let the world know that it still has hope. There is still hope in this world!

So we're handing out SnowBalls and a man walks up and takes one. He's a tall, underweight, man who looks rough. If you've ever seen The Machinist with Christian Bale, that's how he looked. Maybe not as emaciated, but he didn't look healthy. One of our students started talking with him and the guy asked us to pray for him. He didn't mean right there, but in general. Our student, who I saw incredible leadership in across the whole week, pulled him aside and started praying for him right there on the sidewalk. As I was talking to this student, later he said something like there's wasn't a point in letting him go and not be prayed for. I am so proud of the students in the group, and they're not just students, they're my friends this week that these words I write don't do it justice. Tears are coming to my eyes because I saw JESUS in them. God has hope for his people. He's probably looking down on us saying, "Keep it up! You're doing it! This is my kingdom being built and you are doing so well! I love you!" God believes in us.

Personally, I am really good at convincing myself that I'm insignificant. I pretty much always feel like God is going to use me in big ways, but that I'm not good enough to work for Him. I stumble...a lot. Something weird that's happened to me for probably two years now is that I have a number. People that know me, know this number because it follows me. I see it on billboards, on license plates, written on the back of dump trucks, in addresses, etc. The number is 311. I hadn't had the slightest clue about the meaning of such a thing, if there was even a meaning behind it until just recently. I was listening to a pastor speak and he used Exodus 3:11 which says, "But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" The man who was used by God to save the Israelites questioned God about his significance. If you've ever dealt with the ministries of a church, you've seen the students get shafted in the trust category. There are many churches that shun their students, thinking they're separate entity from the rest of the church. They're given their own room just so they can stay out the hair of everyone else. The truth is quite the contrary. Students are not insignificant. They are VITAL. Let me repeat that. They are VITAL to the life of the church. Who do you think is going to take over the church when the generation before them is gone? They are the future. This trip showed me that there is hope in the seemingly insignificant. God uses the underdog.

Hope was brought hard to New Orleans this week and I'm sure I speak for the group when I say it's time to shake the very foundations of our own community.

Adventures In Missing The Point

2009-06-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

So I've been having some adventures lately. I mean, not like Indian Jones adventures or The Goonies kind of thing, but adventures in missing the point. I think I miss the point of following Jesus everyday. I end up doing something, dwelling on something, or just flat out ignoring something that God probably wants me to get/do. Like for the longest time I've been somewhat depressed and lonely while watching countless others get married, start dating, or just finding that "special someone" and myself being left out of the loop.

There are plenty of people my age who are in the same boat I am. There's no rush to settle down, because maybe it's that God doesn't want to do what He's going to do through me if I have someone else to take care of.

I'm single and I'm disposable. I can do anything God wants for me without thinking about a family to take care of or anything.

So I'm hoping God's doing something huge, because sometimes, it's just hard to be alone.

Late Night Brainstorming

2009-06-16T16:22:00.001-07:00

So I was on my way home from class yesterday and I get a call from the youth pastor of my church asking if I want to come talk about student ministry stuff. As tired as I was, I was like sure because sometimes I don't know how to say no, but that's another issue.

We start talking and I feel like this is the road this student ministry was meant to be on from the beginning. Like, this is the track we need to be on in order to be effective, to be impactful, and most of all to have Jesus be at the heart of everything we do. Things are falling into place and I am stoked at the changes being made, the direction we're going in, and the potential lives that will be transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit. We want Jesus. Bottom line. And once we've got Him, we're going to....well, I can't say anything further or it ruin the surprise!!! Stay tuned for new Springs Student Ministry happenings. It's going to be a good ride.

Jesus Wasn't A White Man

2009-06-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the middle of my British Literature class and my mind is seriously starting to melt. We just completed reading Reveries of the Solitary Walker by Jean-Jacques Rousseau and were discussing the idea of thinking, over-thinking, the age of reason, etc. Basically in a nutshell all the things associated with the Western way of thought. Everything is rational, must be figured out, and abstract Eastern thought is pretty much thrown out.

The thing with me is this: As I think and think and think and use every bit of the Western lens I automatically see things through it points me more and more toward Eastern thought.

As far as Christianity is concerned we have Westernized things so much! We so often forget that the ideas and thoughts that we follow are Eastern ideas. I guess that's why I follow a lot of the thinking of Rob Bell. It's because he understands that Jesus was teaching Eastern thought and using Eastern ways of teaching. Often, well, all the time using abstract teaching. The students of the day were forced to THINK. As Westerners we are so used to having everything given to us on a silver platter and never once told to question the words of anyone.

Part of what set this off was a remark one of my classmates said about church saying "Once you put the dollar in the pot, you're expected to continue." And I was like YES you are, but not for the reason you're thinking about. Western thought says you give as an obligation with a "chain-like" connotation, when Eastern thought a.k.a. THE BIBLE (Jesus wasn't white, contrary to modern depictions) says give out of JOY. Where has the church (the people, not a building, but that's another post) been for these last 2,000 plus years?! How have we let ourselves get to the point where all people think is that we're out for their money in a negative way?

THINK PEOPLE. Take time to understand why we do the things we do, and then start, for lack of better words (sorry this might be harsh) cleaning up the mess of others. We, despite what America feeds down our throats, are not automatons. We are not religious machines, but followers of Jesus.

Ministry Thoughts and What Not

2009-06-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

I was just recently thinking a little about ministry and what it looks like to be a team in that ministry. There's been a lot of talk between and friend and I about how we think churches should function and the most effective way to do so. There are two things that came to mind. Both incredibly simple.

The first being a church, and this only my opinion so don't take this as the end all be all of answers, should be staff led. I think that the existence of committees and "red tape" to go through to get anything done hinders the growth and reach of the church in its community. If led by the staff, a church can make decisions faster, and with the overall vision of the church left intact. To have committee after committee, or "team" after "team" that are involved in all the major decisions of the church is like playing telephone. By the time the decision has to be made, the vision is often lost, and the message becomes more of who's opinion reigns supreme and who gets lost in the dust of the argument.

I recently visited a church in South Carolina that is set up in a "top down" format. Basically the head pastor and the ten staff heads are the decision makers of the church. It doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever to have someone making large decisions about the church, that do not work for the church and, God forbid, haven't grasped a hold of the vision. Now, taking small plant churches into consideration, this doesn't stand true because the church can't afford to pay that many staff members. This simply applies to developed churches.

The second idea I was thinking of was that a pastor and his spouse should be thought of as a team. I reading a blog from another church half way across the globe and every main pastor is pictured with his/her spouse and all the entries, unless personalized individually, are signed with both names. The pastor and pastor's wife ARE A TEAM!!! They should be thought of that way! A pastor's wife should be the second half of the pastor's ministry. They should be one team.

I desire for a wife someone who can stand by me in ministry. I don't want to be known as just myself, but myself and my wife.

Anyway. That's a book for today and like always, these are just spewings of the mind, so don't kill me over anything!

Bible Rant #1

2009-06-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

Summer is officially here. I'm sitting in the student center at school and typing this while I should be reading, but hey, I'm not sure I would have gotten this far with college if procrastination wasn't in the mix.

I've forgotten how depressing summer classes are. There's virtually no one on campus and the place is deserted. Shoot, I've forgotten how much I don't like summer. It's too hot, it's muggy at times, I sunburn way too easily, and as far as guy stuff is concerned, all the girls here seem to corporately wear less and less clothing, making it difficult to keep my mind pure during the day.

Amidst all the thing I don't enjoy about summer is this: I'm actually going to read the entire Bible. I've never done this before. It will be a feat for me and will hopefully help me create the discipline I so terribly need in my life. I read the first sixteen chapters of Genesis last night and was blown away by the idea that all of those people from Adam and Eve, to Abram, actually had face to face, personal, and most of the time physical encounters with God.

Sometimes I pray for God to wreck me in a way that I'll never recover from. By this I mean that God would tear me down and I would never be the same, because here is my plight (most of you will relate to this): my sins always come back, and I end up going back to my sins. It's not that I make a conscious effort to constantly sin, or is it? Every sinful action requires a choice to commit the act or run from it. Most of the time my legs refuse to run.

Anyway. I'm hoping and praying that my discipline habits will grow through this and that God will reveal Himself to me in a huge way. Maybe a burning bush. We'll see.

Finding God In A Lawn Mower

2009-06-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

Man, God is good. Today I was mowing the grass and listening to some worship stuff and was just overwhelmed with joy! Like, I seriously hate mowing the grass. My nose gets all nasty from allergies and there's grass clippings everywhere, but today wasn't all bad. The weather was great, so I just went with it.

I started singing pretty loud.

The neighbors weren't outside, and I only saw like two cars pass by, but it was the first time in awhile that I've been out in public and haven't cared about how crazy I look. When I was done, I was headed inside and the song "Tear Down The Walls" started. God pretty much stopped me dead in my tracks and said, "Stay here with me for awhile." So I did.

I felt like David. (Except I had all my clothes on)

I had a personal moment with a very personal God and it felt so good. After my last post I felt like God heard me. I felt like God said, "Here's just a little bit of my presence to keep You going."

My tendency is to overlook the small things and not be satisfied with anything less than a burning bush moment, but the small things are where it's at.

Brian Houston- Building A Platform Part One

2009-06-03T12:52:00.001-07:00

Brilliantly obvious. Every leader should listen to this.

Building A Platform Part One

Breakthrough

2009-06-03T12:15:00.001-07:00

I haven't written in awhile. If you look at the date of the last post, this is a repetitious statement. But I am often finding myself backing off of the write anything even if you don't have anything to say wagon and only really writing when something is on my mind. Thus, this new post is something that is on my mind and apparently I have a thing for being repetitive today.

I need a breakthrough. Bad.

I've been in this place where I feel God is pushing up His sleeves and working and working and working, but we have yet to see the whole of the fruits of His labors and it's killing me. It's like being a six year old on an indefinite road trip to Disney World. You are stuck in the car with parents and siblings, whom you love dearly, but are submersed in a world of constant stops to pee, or to eat, or just to get out of the presence of dear old mom or dad or bro or sis, and never really reaching the destination set out for.

I feel like my life and even the life of my church is at this point. We can feel, like when something gets so close to your arm that you can't actually feel it, but the hairs on your arm stand up, and it's this little buzz of electromagnetism that says something is near, that God is working. That God is preparing and molding things, but it's really hard to go on in this point. There are about a million things in my life right now that feel like this and sometimes I want to scream, but Paul reminds us to "run with perseverance the race marked out." Cliche. So horribly cliche, but true nonetheless.

So right now I'm praying for a breakthrough. Something that says, "Hey, it's God, and I'm not completely done yet, but here's a little something to keep you busy until I'm done." Haven't gotten any of that, unless I'm completely missing the boat, which I may very well be. Anyway, at least I feel something is close.

The day may very well be at hand.

The Drowsy Poet

2009-04-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking. A lot. I know this is probably going to be the single most detrimental thing to my existence, yet it still happens. I mean, I think way too much. I think about the future, I think about the past, I think about how things would happen differently, I think about things that don't even exist or events that have never happened and wonder if they would change my life at any given moment.

My favorite place when I was in Virginia was a place called The Drowsy Poet. It was the only coffee shop worth going to in Lynchburg, and it is a place that I miss. But I think there is something wrong with the name. A drowsy poet doesn't seem to fit the poet that I know. Poet's seem to be troubled and neurotic with big hearts, but bigger minds that screw everything up. I'm realizing that I think I'm a part of this crowd because I can't stop THINKING!!! I just want myself to shut up all the time.

Part of this stems from the fact that I think I might be depressed. Not like crazy I'm going to kill myself depressed, but a depressed that I can't seem to shake. Behind door number one is loneliness. If there is anything in this world that will shake me it's loneliness. I find myself lonely all the time. It doesn't matter how many people are around me, it's like I have this wall up. I feel like I'm behind a glass window pounding on it, and screaming "I'm here! I really am!" but no one can hear me. I just move through life never really giving all of myself to the people around me.

I also long to be in someone else's arms. Family is great, but I long for someone that I can hold in my arms, and they can hold me, and it's like we're one. If there's one thing that pushes me off the deep end and into a sea of loneliness, it's the fact that I don't have that.

I pray to God that He would take this from me, but I'm not sure I'm praying hard enough, because it always comes back.

P.S.
If all you can respond with is "One day, Derek, she'll come and it'll be awesome." Nothing personal, but I'd rather you not. I'm praying that it's true, and I've heard it before. So I'll just assume it's a big ditto. I don't mean this to be harsh.

Inked

2009-03-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

So I'm getting inked tonight. A tattoo that is. It's one of the first times that I've decided to take a considerable risk in my life. I'm seriously excited, yet, seriously nervous. But I got to thinking about the "tabooness" of the art.

I'll preface this by saying that I do not condone all tattoos. I condone the ones that have a deep meaning for the person getting it.

I've been a Christian my whole life, but can honestly say I haven't gone through much pain in the process. I mean, like gut-wrenching pain. There are people in this world that are beaten, scarred, and killed for the cause of Christ. I know what you're thinking, he's just trying to justify his choice to get a tat. In a way, I am, I'm saying that this is a choice that I am making for Christ. I'm making a personal decision to mark myself as a child of the King. This isn't a choice for everyone, but this is something that I want to do. I want something to look at when I wake up in the morning that says "Hey, Derek, you know that I (Jesus) have redeemed you right? I knew you in your mother's womb. I have brought you out of sickness and misery and into a life worth living, an eternal life with Me."

Because honestly, I haven't been living as sold out as I could be, but I'm going to start seeking Jesus in everything that I do.

P.S.
This is going to hurt so bad and I'm probably going to cry. You'll be wishing you had pictures of this. (But you don't so ha!)

Today

2009-03-19T13:22:00.000-07:00

THIS POST STARTS IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PLACE THAN IT ENDS (Such is my thought process):

I keep coming back to this one thought in my head that I heard a few weeks back: divine appointments.

I also keep coming back to the fact that despite how much I try, I never remember to pray for them. Intentionality has never been my forte. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm somewhat lazy, shy when it comes to making new relationships, an over-analyzer, a poet, or whatever. I feel like I'm floating through life and not really having a say in anything.

I get caught up in my own flaw of not really being content in the same place for an extended period of time. I guess I've convinced myself that where I am is a trap. It sucks you in and makes you do that same things over and over again and a change of scenery grows quickly out of grasp.

People that grow up in Ringgold, rarely ever leave Ringgold. There are so many people here that just drop out of high school and do exactly what their parents did. Have a kid between 16-18 years old and never really make a life for themselves. There are exceptions to the rules and ton of the people I know do not fall into this category. I guess this whole thing is out of a fear that my life is going to end up mundane and uneventful.

What scares me now, is that there could be a possibility of things being shaken up. I'm talking to an extremely awesome girl right now, but she lives quite a bit away. I'd love for this to happen, but I can't quit coming back to the thought that nothing ever works the way I wish it would. It scares me. Failure scares me because I feel like I know it so well. I want so bad to be content with "letting things happen" but with that comes being content if they don't happen. I'm praying that God would give me the strength and perseverance to get through the things that don't happen.

I Don't Even Know Where To Begin Giving This A Title

2009-03-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. Yes, I know, that might be dangerous like playing with fire at a gasoline station, but it happens sometimes. I understand that life has it's ups and downs and it takes a long time to learn to cope with the bad as much as the good; especially if you believe in God. Sometimes, who am I kidding, often, we don't have a clue about this life, what it means, or how to live it, but we try. We know that God is in control, but so often it looks, at least to me, just like chaos.

I think that I've found that music is how I cope with this life. I mean, I've always known this, but I think that God is telling me something about my life. I think He's telling me that music is what He wants for me. My soul stirs like a cauldron at the thought. My heart beats eighty-thousand bpms when I even mention the idea of playing music.

It's all due to Missy Higgins. She doesn't know this, and I doubt she ever will, but I think she's a catalyst. I was at her show Friday night...side note...I don't really care how trivial this sounds, so if you don't want to read further, have a great day...continuing thought...I knew as soon as she walked onto the stage and her band came out that it was going to be amazing. During the show I just closed my eyes and sonically scanned all the parts in the music like I was jumping from part to part and instrument to instrument. The world felt ALIVE to me. My heart strings were taught.

I found that my passion is to play music for the rest of my life. There is nothing else in this world, next to Jesus, that fulfills me more than this. And I mean nothing. I'm tearing up just writing this.

I'm watching a movie right called Henry Poole is Here. There was a line in the movie that was talking about a guy who lived a whole life of sadness, and then someone came into his life and he couldn't remember what it was like to be sad anymore.

I guess you can put two and two together.

Not that my whole life has been a wreck, it hasn't, but when I play, when I pick up my guitar and flesh out a song from nothing, it has meaning to me. It takes my heart in a direction that I know it wants to go. The things that were once wrecked, don't feel so impossible anymore. But I have another side to this.

I feel like I'm being shoved down into a hole and not able to get out. I don't have any doors to walk through or any people to talk to that could help me in my endeavor. I guess this is how I'm going to know if it's God or not.

I know He hears this, and I'll say it now, that I would give my life for Him. I will live my life for Him, and I know that He puts desires in my heart. I believe this is one of them. So I'll pray for this for the rest of my life. One day it may happen. So I'll wait.

Tom and Jerry

2009-02-25T06:27:00.000-08:00

This morning was pretty much filled with ultimatums for God. I mean, is that okay? Am I allowed to say God, this is what You need to do? I was angry...I am angry...and I'm pretty much done with this area of my life. Not my faith. No way. That would be stupid. I still believe that God is in control, but I feel like He's playing cat and mouse with me.

I thought I had found someone. I really did. We had a lot in common, a lot to talk about, just all around good stuff. Yet, like every time I let my guard down, I got duped. I think I was pretty much the rebound guy. Like, I was the one in case the other guy didn't work out. Did she let me know? Not really. Did she lead me on? Probably not intentionally, but it sure looked like it. Am I angry? Yes and no. I'm more angry with myself for letting my wall come down for an instant.

I'm done with this. I'm not looking for anyone. If God wants, and I'm sure He does, me to be with someone, next time it's going to have to be nothing short of the heavens opening and a giant neon arrow that says "THIS IS HER!" Whoever God has planned for me better buck up and let her presence be known because I'm done.

Yet He Does Nothing

2009-02-08T18:37:00.001-08:00

I'm coming to a new conclusion, but I haven't fully accepted it so don't disagree with me yet, because I don't have a stance to disagree--or agree--with at all. Sometimes I feel guilty about not writing. As an English major, isn't it supposed to be somehow ingrained in my brain to want to write all the time? Not really. I LOVE to write, don't get me wrong, but sometimes it's a chore. So this conclusion I'm coming to is this: maybe I should just write when I have something to say.

Then my head says NO WAY!! You should write all the time because there's no way muscles are going to grow if you don't work them out. There's no way a relationship is going to get anywhere by not spending time with that person. My writing muscles will atrophy if I am not careful.

This is all leading to my real point.

I feel out of touch with God. I feel like there are so many desires of my heart that I have desperately pleaded with God about that have not been even remotely addressed. I got a little mad on the way to church the other day and vented to a friend of mine: I HAVE PLEADED WITH GOD ABOUT THIS, HE KNOWS HOW MUCH I WANT IT, YET HE DOES NOTHING.

There is so much in YET HE DOES NOTHING. My feeble little mind wants to think that. It almost feels good to be mad at something or someone, but that's not healthy and I know it. God is never doing nothing. I'm sick of cliches and I know you're think I'm going to say something like...nope not going to say it, but God does work in odd ways. I'll just wait some more, but man, it feels like I've been in a waiting room my whole life.

But I take this to heart.

"He is jealous for me. Love's like a hurricane I am a tree. Bending beneath the waves of His wind and mercy."

They Always Come Back

2009-01-29T21:13:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how small things remind you of larger events in life. And it's also hard watching others go through the same thing. Watching Friends over at a friend's house tonight brought back some poignant feelings. I won't say they're horrible feelings because I subscribe to the idea that pain in your life makes you feel like you're living more than feeling good, but they aren't great either.

I can remember only one time in my life where I felt like my heart was really broken. I know, growing up you think you're heart's broken by the slightest things, but it was never broken any time before or after the event. I was only disappointed by others. There was one girl. One girl who, believe it or not, I still think about on occasion, that did some damage. Knowing she felt nothing and seeing her out with other guys who I could have beat hands down in a "who's better for her" contest killed me. It took me a long time to suppress those feelings.

Now I know that my brother is going through the same thing and all I can tell him is that I've been there. I can't help him get over one of the most difficult things I've ever had to get over. It hurts me to think about that.

I can only hope that God has someone prepared for us. I have to. Right now, there is no one else for me but God.

Choices, Death, and a blog written on a caffeine overload

2009-01-28T13:42:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling with something for a long time. Today it just came into words in my mind and it is this. What happens if God has something planned for someone, and then another person's free will comes into play and snatches that away from the person?

For instance, my dad has been without a job for almost six months now. There have been numerous opportunities where he could have received a job, but has been overlooked. What happens if the people didn't make the right decision? Most of these people are probably faithless. I randomly ran into my campus pastor today and I felt it was no coincidence that we met together. His family is being ripped to shreds by death in the family and sickness and I would say he is in a very similar spot to the one that I am in. He gave me this verse in Romans and I think it will stick with me for awhile. It's Romans 3:3-4. It says:

What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness? Not at all! Let God be true, and every man a liar.

How do I follow that? Amen.

Also, something that he said that rang in my ears.

Resurrection always follows death

It does. I'm waiting for it.

All I Know

2009-01-25T16:21:00.000-08:00

I've got a new song up on my myspace music page. It's called All I Know. Check it out at Derek's Music Page.

Deep Thoughts by Derek Martin

2009-01-24T19:18:00.001-08:00

I've been running some pretty hefty issues through my head today and I figure it's best to get them out in writing. As a disclaimer, I don't necessarily subscribe to these thoughts, it's just the way my mind works.

The first is how are we, as Christians, supposed to know God? I understand that we can know His traits and have experiences with Him, but we'll never really know everything about Him until we see Him face to face. I know that we're not supposed to know everything about God because we'd be God if we did, but I guess we take what we have and add faith to the mix, and that's what we have to go on.

The other is the fact that, as a songwriter, I'm drawn to the idea of wrestling with demons. Not literally, but understanding that we're fighting a battle between our vices and our morals. The problem is that sometimes I think if I'm not fighting, I'll have no more material left. It's alluring.

These are just some questions I'd like to get some feedback on:
1. How do you know God? What has He done for you?
2. Does the battle inside you ever feel enticing?

But The Greatest Of These Is Love

2009-01-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking the past few days about something dear to everyone who has a heart...love. It's pretty much spanned a bunch of different things that have to do with it and I'll just share a few musings of the sort.

1. I led worship on a retreat this weekend and I heard our youth pastor say, "It's really easy to love someone who loves you back." I have always agreed with that, but I'm not sure I've ever heard it spoken. I feel like it's every person's desire to be loved and I believe that when we love, we love to be loved back.

But love doesn't have to be reciprocated. There are so many instances when it isn't. We've developed this idea that in order to love, there needs to be love in return. This is simply untrue. The ultimate love is that which expects nothing in return. I am praying that this kind of love resonates in my heart.

2. I was reading a part of one of my favorite books today called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. There's a character named Bill who is the main character's teacher. Bill says, "Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve." There are deep deep issues in this statement. So many people believe they are unloveable. They deny the love they don't think they deserve. Everyone needs and deserves love. Imagine if Hitler had been shown Christ's love as a child. Would things have happened the way they did? Since everyone deserves love, what if we just gave everyone the love they don't expect? What if we showed love to people who feel they will never be loved? The thief, the beggar, the liar, the rapist, the homosexual, the list goes on. What can possibly go wrong if we showed everyone love?

3. I haven't felt camaraderie as strong as this weekend in a long time. I speak for the guys on the retreat when I say that we seriously bonded like crazy this weekend. There were some major breakthroughs and I felt like I gained some really good relationships. I feel like our student ministry at The Springs is growing and growing and growing closer together and it's starting to feel like a community instead of a ton of individuals. I'm excited to see how everything continues to move forward and the times my friends and I have ahead of us. This is love.

Everything I've mentioned about love is so much easier said than done. Just like Paul says, we're battling two sides: our spirit and our flesh. It takes God to love someone past what you think you can. You can't love someone without expectation without bringing God into it. So my prayer is that I never leave God out of any situation.

What can you do to show someone love they don't expect?

Momentum

2009-01-13T10:32:00.000-08:00

It's two days later and I think I've had time to process the craziness of what happened on Sunday. Here's a little backstory for those who don't know.

We started at marketing campaign for the church called NoMoreResolutions to coincide with the New Year. People makes resolutions and about 85-90% of people never keep them. This is because they try on their own. We decided to give up and let God change us rather than attempt to change ourselves.

So we posted signs, fliers, banners, and created the website for No More Resolutions.

On January 4th the church went to two services because we were pretty much 80% full in one service. The average attendance was about 30-40 people per service. Sunday we broke 200 people in the two services combined. People prayed down front, which is a first in the history of The Springs, and lives were healed, changed, and it was exactly what God has been trying to do with this church. People could tangibly feel the momentum we're gathering and God is going to completely shatter our expectations in the time approaching.

"Yet a time is coming and has now come where the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth."

The Eye of the Storm

2009-01-12T21:04:00.000-08:00

I think I've started to climb uphill. Well, that'd be kind of obvious because really the only way to climb is uphill. You wouldn't really climb downhill would you? For me, that be more like rolling down hill because I'd gain so much momentum and then start plummeting. But I think I've found a place in my life where I can push myself through. I mean, I've found a place where I've started to let God push me through.

For the longest time I have been struggling with my future. I mean really wrestling. Like Randy Savage (God rest his soul). God seemed lately to be very distant, but I'm realizing that it was just me that was getting further away. That sounds so incredibly cliche and I wish I could say it differently, but it's true.

Those who know me know that I'm addicted to change. I love it. I love new places, new smells, new adventures, new people, new everything. However, for the past 3 years, I've been in the same place, doing the same thing, and around the same people. It's been tough, but I think that God has finally said, "Derek, you are following me and it's time I let you in on something, you're doing the right thing. You're in the right place and I'm proud of you."

So now that I feel I'm in the right place, I need to let go of something else. Lately I've been really really depressed. I'd wake up in the morning and feel so completely alone. I have amazing friends and family, but I just felt desolate. I had a conversation with a lady I work with in which I told her I've been single for all 23 years of my life. She said, "You're a good looking guy. I wonder why?" So I was like thanks and I've been asking myself the same question for most of those years. So I'm fully aware that God is taking care of it and I believe that if I start to calm myself down about where I need to be, then He'll take care of that as well.

I don't think God's going to throw a girl in a storm of a life. He's gotta throw Himself in there first to calm it. I'm approaching the eye. I can feel it.

Drugs of Choice

2009-01-10T07:16:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in awhile. It seems like every time I sit down to write, the time period between posts gets larger. And it's not at all that I don't have the time to write, I do, but it's probably more along the lines of me being lazy, or letting the "I don't have anything to write about" excuse keep me from doing it. But I've been wrestling with some thoughts lately that don't really belong in my mind. They really don't need to be there, but time and time again they come back. They always come back. If I dodge them once, it's like that movie Final Destination, they come back with a vengeance. I think part of it stems from loneliness. Yes...I deal with loneliness mixed with some depression. They are my drugs of choice. Believe me, I wish things were different. I wish I could just turn a happy button on and all things melancholy would disappear, but it doesn't quite work that way. I was reading a blog this morning, and she wrote about Galatians 6:2-3 which talks about bearing one another's burdens. How awesome would that be? Instead of criticizing or judging someone's spiritual life when they deal with messes, lift them up and be there to understand. Part of the reason I don't think anyone shares anymore is complete and utter judgement. People don't want to be judged, they want to be loved. So let's pick each other up and dust each other's shoulders off and bear it.

Old Friend

2008-11-30T18:11:00.000-08:00

"Welcome back old friend," is what I hear my blog saying. It's been over almost two months since I've last written. "Where have I been?" you ask. Absolutely nowhere. That's where I've been. There's no grand excuse or glorious reason why I haven't written. I just haven't. Life got the best of me. Anyway. Something that has been plaguing my mind for awhile is this idea of only having one person for you. I believe that having one person for you is a sham. It's an old wives' tale created by crazy Christians obsessed with marriage (who probably went to Liberty) trying to pressure us singles into stressing over it. I'm sure the intentions were pure and the motives straight, but really, it does nothing but send those who aren't happy with themselves to the loony bin.

I say all this because I've realized that there is one person in this life whom I consider the "one who got away". At the time, we were amazing friends, but I just can't help from thinking that we could have been more. We could have been more if I didn't get in the way of myself. I never knew what I had. So...if this whole "one" thing is true, and this person got away, then I'm screwed right?

I don't think God works that way. He wouldn't make me spend my life in misery...alone...because I made a simple mistake my sophomore year in college. So for those of you out there who are still single, still looking, and still feel hopeless, trust me when I say that there is someone out there. Someone who is going to make your life amazing (next to Jesus of course). Take heart. Make the most of the time you've got.

I'm still single. I'm still happy. It'll be fine.

Finding God in a Cheeseburger

2008-10-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I have a good long commute to and from school. Last night I was driving home from the campus ministry I lead worship for and I started reminiscing. I've been all over the place the past four years. I've transferred colleges like three times and it's taken me all over Georgia and the east coast. I've enjoyed seeing a bunch of places and getting to experience different things. One of the best things I can recall is a place called Sheetz. To my knowledge, they only have Sheetz starting in the upper parts of North Carolina and getting into Virginia. Now, Sheetz is not your average convenient store. They have gas, they have snacks, but they also have a made-to-order food station including the coveted cheeseburger on a pretzel roll.

As a side note, I would drive up to Sheetz just to get one of these burgers.

Anyway, you go in, build your burger on a touch screen and then they bring it out to you like five or ten minutes later. Best thing ever.

I thought of this last night because I was hungry and I live in Georgia with no Sheetz. Well, sometimes I get the Sheetz when I eat bad chili or something. (couldn't resist)

God puts good things in our lives for a season because He cares that we know He's there. It's His way of reminding us, "I love you and I'll never leave You, here's a little something to remind you of that."

I believe that if our lives were impeccable and absolutely perfect at all times, we would forget about God. We would forget where those things came from. We would fall into complacency.

On the other hand, I think that God lets bad things happen to remind us that we did fail. He lets these things happen because when we get out of them, we recognize God's sovereignty. I didn't say God "makes" bad things happen, because I don't believe that God would intentionally do anything to harm us, but because of free will and the overall scope of things, He lets things happen. Otherwise, we would be robots without emotion.

Anyway, I'm not saying all of this to start a discussion or to get bogged down in theology, I was just missing a cheeseburger and I'm happy that God has chosen to put great things in my life, even if they're only for a season.

Brooms and What Not

2008-10-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't made my presence known in the blogging world in awhile. A.k.a. I've been too busy to write, ok, maybe I've been too lazy to write. That's probably more like it. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. Some of it has been why I'm not in one and, other than God obviously feels like it isn't the right time, if there's anything I'm doing wrong. So far I feel like I'm trying to find a balance between being too upfront and not upfront enough.

This is probably something I will never get the hang of. I'm quite convinced that this is a case by case thing and that I will win some and lose some my entire life.

The ability to succeed in all our relationships all the time is something that will never happen. This is what I'm dealing with. Some things just don't work out the way we want them to. The ability to take something that is wrong, accept that it is not the way it's supposed to be, and attempt to change that, is the real gift. This is what I'm trying to perfect.

For instance, right now, I'm throwing around the idea of girls having leagues in my head. You know, the whole "she's out of your league" thing. Now, should there be a league? I've heard it said that you can sweep any girl off her feet with the right broom.

There's someone who I kind of feel a connection with, but most of the time I'm hesitant because:

1. She's beautiful
2. She's too good for me
3. I'm a wuss

There's always questions: Do I be more upfront? Do I let it be? (God please whisper words of wisdom)

I'm always hesitant to go with my emotions because, to be honest, they haven't got me anywhere in the past. On the other hand, I don't want to not do anything because I will never know what could be unless I do something about it. I'm going to try being patient for God's guidance and we'll see where that goes. I'm pretty sure He won't let me down.

Pros and Cons

2008-09-30T20:31:00.001-07:00

I hate making decisions that mold me. I hate making them because I know that my decisions have the potential to paint me as an irresponsible human being, a failure, or a flake who can't make up his mind. I'm finding right now to be one of those decisions that could potentially be amazing, or could be me being a wuss and trying to do what's easy.

The problem is that I have no idea if it's right or wrong.

I have a hard time hearing God. It could be because I'm being too loud, or it could be because I'm too far away, but when it comes down to making decisions I have a seriously hard time hearing the voice tell me one way or the other. I've always thought that God could work through the pros and cons of the situation, on the other hand, I've thought that pros and cons are just ways to justify what I'm doing is right.

Does God want me to be in a situation where the cons outweigh the pros?

Right now I'm a commuter student with a major responsibility of being the worship leader for a campus ministry. It's an hour commute and I'm only on campus two days a week. How can I possibly be the caliber leader that I need to be but be almost 100 miles away from everyone? I can't make relationships that last over two days a week. I could if I wasn't in class or rehearsal.

So the decision I have to make is do I take out a student loan and move back closer to school for my last year or maybe even beyond that. I really don't know what to do. I want to move. I want to be closer to my friends. I want to live the typical college life for at least another year. I'll have plenty of time to be the adult person when I graduate.

This is hard.

Reckless

2008-09-30T09:08:00.001-07:00

So I've had a lot of time to process what went down on the retreat I just got back from, and the fact that I'm completely caffeinated right now, so I'm going to write something.

Kind of spring boarding off of my last post, I'm pretty sure that I'm scared of something. I think God's revealed this to me and it's this:

I'm afraid of the way my present affects my future. That's why I have such a hard time living in it.

My past isn't really the problem. I mean, yeah, I think about mistakes I've made a lot, everyone does, but I don't think that my past is what dictates what my decisions are.

Part of the problem with being a visionary, which people constantly tell me I am, is that I have no voice of reason in my head. I have no voice that says, that's absurd, or that's probably not a good choice for you right now. So I appreciate all of the people around me that keep me real. But here's the thing.

I can't keep sitting around worrying about my future. I need to be more recklessly abandoned. With God. With relationships. With the times that life sucks. I just need to lose my mind a bit.

So help me with this. Give me a little peer pressure (in a good way).

This is it.

Gumption

2008-09-28T18:01:00.000-07:00

I just got back from an incredible weekend away. I've been on a retreat with the campus ministry I'm involved with and it was such a great weekend. God was there and we learned a lot. The great thing was that it wasn't based on a short-lived emotional high that most retreats are based on. I seriously appreciate our campus pastor for designing the weekend in a way that we actually learned practicality in following Jesus. Not to say that emotions aren't important, but it's about balance, as I've said in previous blogs.

My life needs so much work.

To preface the way I am now I have to talk about the past. My past is full of pride. I've been a musician for most of my life and I've been in front of people for most of those years as well. With any responsibility that involves doing something in front of people, the enemy uses pride against you. I fell for that.

I'm since over that issue by the grace of God and I am so aware that I am nothing without Christ. However, I'm always taking precautions (possibly just paranoia) to not fall into that trap again. I'm so afraid of taking too much credit for things that most of the time it makes me look like a pushover and a weak, overly-shy, individual.

For instance, I introduced a song at the retreat that I wrote. I usually don't tell people that I wrote the song because I don't EVER want to be thought of as shoving songs at people because I wrote it and I'm trying to show it off. I will NEVER do that.

So it's like, do I tell people I wrote the song? I'm proud of the song because God gave it to me in order to lead others closer to Him, but I don't want to be forthright in telling people, "Hey, I wrote that."

In a nutshell, I really need to work on having more courage, and more gumption. That's the word. I've been searching for the word the entire time. Gumption. Yep, pray that I get more of that.

Jack Frost is on his way

2008-09-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

Oh man. I cannot wait until the cold weather starts to come in. I'm so sick of hot weather it's not even funny. I've never been a fan and I never will be. It's because when it's hot, you can only take so much off before you become indecently exposed. In the fall/winter, you can put as much on as you want. Plus, there's fall camping trips and hanging out by a huge fire. It's more comfortable to drink coffee because you can feel it warm your throat as it slides down. There's a certain smell in the air that just says it's a good day. I also just like wearing winter clothes.

Here's the thing. With Winter comes loneliness.

Winter is the time of the year where most people tend to be lonely. Whether it's because of past loves gone away or the lack thereof, it's a tough time of year for a lot of people.

This year I'm going to try and think of those who have lost loved ones forever, instead of feeling sorry for myself because I'm single.

What can you do to make people feel better this Winter?

Spanglish

2008-09-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

Man. I'm really blogging a lot. I've gotten into this whole blog more than once a day thing. Whoa, way to break the mold there buddy. Anyway. I just got finished watching the movie Spanglish. I've never seen it before tonight and let me say that I thought it was a great movie. A little cliche at times, but nevertheless a great movie. It got me thinking about timing.

Sometimes things are not right even though they feel that way.

I'm horrible with timing. I've screwed up so many things that could have been good because of bad timing. There are still things in my life that I wish I could have done differently and I'm sure there will be plenty more.

My emotions definitely get the best of me and most of the time, when I feel like I'm doing the right thing or making the right decision, the timing is way off.

I am so good at pushing things away. Things as in people. I feel like there are certain walls up in my life that I'm not sure I know how to take down. How to let anyone in. Sometimes I feel like I'm hooked on leaving places because I'm not sure how to make things work, or because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of losing people and I'm afraid of pain.

I want to feel right about things and have them actually be right for a change. So I'm praying that God would grant me wisdom and guidance so that when things feel right, my feelings and emotions will be in line with His, and things will turn out the way He wants them to.

Morning

2008-09-18T07:07:00.001-07:00

I think it's true when I hear the phrase joy comes in the morning. I had an incredible night last night leading worship and I heard some things that put my life into perspective over the course of the day.

I've been stuck in this rut of trying to change the things I don't like about my life right now. The key word of that is right now.

I'm an overthinker. We talked about addictions last night and I would probably say that I'm addicted to overthinking. The first thing I do when something comes up that's negative is try to figure out a way to get out of it. I try to fix it.

I have to embrace the opportunities I have right now. Instead of trying to find a way out, or find something different, I need to suck it up and embrace what God has given in this very moment.

Right now I'm single, I'm in school, I have a job, I'm a worship leader. I have to be the guy that God wants me to be with all these things.

Joy isn't this overwhelming urge to go frolic in a field, or sing a Disney song with a bunch of animals, it's knowing that Christ is the only thing that stays constant and the peace associated with that. Happiness is the emotion, and emotions fade.

So I'm leaving everything here right now so that God can have His way.

Kicked In the Butt

2008-09-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

I got royally kicked in the butt today. Spiritually, I mean. I was talking to the guy who leads the campus ministry I play for and I was explaining how last night at work was rough. I explained it in my last blog, but basically a bunch of people didn't do what they were supposed to and I had to do their work for them.

So my campus pastor says, "So you had to be like Jesus?"

Okay, so that big space up above, was my brain after hearing that statement. I was thoroughly in my own selfish little world, and was completely blind-sided by the spiritual implications of the opportunity I had last night to be just like the Savior I claim to follow, yet, I let my emotions and human nature take the wheel.

I've realized how spiritually asleep I've been for the past few days, or weeks even, so here's to trying to wake up.

Save it for a rainy day

2008-09-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

Last night was a rough night. I didn't get home until 12:30 from work because certain individuals didn't do their closing duties and I got stuck having to do it for them. Plus the fact that I worked out like mad yesterday and was seriously hurting when I got in bed. I couldn't get to sleep, so I was stuck in that half-in half-out kind of sleep until I woke up at 6am to get to school in Kennesaw.

Needless to say, I'm in bad shape right now. Please pray that I have the strength to make it through the day because it's going to be a long one.

Not to mention it's very dreary outside. The kind of day that makes you want to stay at home in bed.

And if I let myself really get to the heart of the matter, I'm just unhappy. I'm unhappy with my job, I'm unhappy with where I am in life, I'm unhappy with my walk with God, and the only thing I can do is grin, bear it, and wait for the storm to pass. I know that God is here, He never leaves me, He never forsakes me, but I feel like I'm in a serious wilderness period. I am seriously blessed, don't get me wrong, but this funk just seems to want to cling so tightly to me.

So I'm just waiting out the storm, trying not to let it take me away.

What's in a Leader?

2008-09-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

I got this off of Anne Jackson's blog, who in turn got it off of Brant Hansen's blog. I thought it was brilliant.

———–

LeaderMan: Wants a platform on which to say something

Servant Leader: Has something to say

———–

LeaderMan: You almost feel you know his family, because he’s your Leader

Servant Leader: You allow him to influence you, because you know his family

———–

LeaderMan: Wants you to know he’s a Leader

Servant Leader: You’re not sure he knows he’s a leader

———–

LeaderMan: Loves the idea of the Gospel, and the idea of The Church

Servant Leader: Loves God and the actual individual people God brings across his path

———–

LeaderMan: A great speaker, but self-described as, “Not really a people person.”

Servant Leader: Makes himself a people person

———–

LeaderMan: Helps you find where God is leading you in his organization

Servant Leader: Helps you find where God is leading you

———–

LeaderMan: Gets together with you to talk about his vision

Servant Leader: Just gets together with you

———–

LeaderMan: Resents “sheep stealing”

Servant Leader: Doesn’t get the “stealing” part, since he doesn’t own anyone to begin with

———–

LeaderMan: Wants the right people on the bus

Servant Leader: Wants to find the right bus for you, and sit next to you on it

———–

LeaderMan: Shows you a flow chart

Servant Leader: Shows you his whole heart

———–

LeaderMan: A visionary who knows what the future looks like

Servant Leader: Knows what your kitchen looks like

———–

LeaderMan: If it’s worth doing, it worth doing with excellence

Servant Leader: Not exactly sure how to even calculate “worth doing”

———–

LeaderMan: Talks about confronting one another in love

Servant Leader: Actually confronts you in love

———–

LeaderMan: Impressed by success and successful people

Servant Leader: Impressed by faithfulness

———–

LeaderMan: Invests time in you, if you are “key people”

Servant Leader: Wastes time with you

———–

LeaderMan: Reveals sins of his past

Servant Leader: Reveals sins of his present

———-

LeaderMan: Gives you things to do

Servant Leader: Gives you freedom

———–

LeaderMan: Leads because of official position

Servant Leader: Leads in spite of position

———–

LeaderMan: Deep down, threatened by other Leaders

Servant Leader: Has nothing to lose

Seven

2008-09-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

Chapter Seven starts the conflict between Jesus and the Pharisees. Jesus goes to the Feast of the Tabernacle, and despite his efforts to remain reclusive, he ends up teaching in the temple and the Pharisees hear about him. They try to take him, but they fail because Jesus' time had not come.

What I find interesting are two simple passages they say pretty much the same thing. "At this they tried to seize him, but no one laid a hand on him, because his time had not yet come. Still, many in the crowd put their faith in him."

I would like to know how they didn't lay a hand on Jesus. Did he run? Was it another miracle and people just couldn't seize him?

It happens again, "Some wanted to seize him, but no one laid a hand on him."

Jesus also says, "Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment." Ever wonder where the phrase "Don't judge a book by its cover" came from? Jesus is probably saying there's a difference between judging someone and having discernment about that person. Don't judge by your human standards, oh, he's a loser by the way he dresses, that kind of thing, but if the spirit tells you something about that person, that's a valid thing.

It's like an issue I have with a certain Christian bookstore. They've put up a disclaimer on a brilliant thinker's material. It says that this man's teaching could be contrary to traditional evangelical theology. Well, I think that's stupid. The only thing it causes someone to do is actually think about what they believe. Instead of taking everything at face value, really look into something and give people the chance to explain. I would bet that most people that work there haven't even read/watched anything by this author.

Anyway. Moving on.

Numero Seis

2008-09-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Chapter Six. As usual, here are my thoughts:

1. It's interesting to me how, at the start of his ministry, Jesus is very conscious of getting away from people. He performs the miracle of feeding the five thousand, and when they return to find him, he's retreated to a mountain. The specific wording is "Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself."

Jesus never wanted to be a king. At least in the worldly sense. He wasn't sent here to rule a country.

But after this whole reclusive bit, as soon as the crowd clears he walks on the water. Hmm. Thoughts?

2. This next bit is possibly one of the hardest to get my head around. "Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your forefathers ate manna and died, but he who feeds on this bread will live forever." He said this while teaching in the synagogue in Capernaum."

To the average person, especially at that time, it would seem as though Jesus is teaching canibalism. I know that he's speaking metaphorically, but this is tough.

3. At the end, I get this kind of disappointment in John's writing. "Then Jesus replied, "Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!" (He meant Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, who, though one of the Twelve, was later to betray him.)" Why did John spoil the plot? Ha ha. If I had wanted to keep peoples' attention, I wouldn't have added this parenthetical spoiler. It's like "Crap! John, why'd you give it away?!"

Five

2008-09-11T06:23:00.000-07:00

Reading the gospels is so refreshing. For the longest time I was more attracted to Paul's letters, and they're absolutely awesome, but to read the words of Jesus is so much more powerful for me.

Here are my blurbs for Chapter Five:

1. Verse 22 clears up quite a bit for me. It says, "Moreover, the Father judges no one, but has entrusted all judgment to the Son, 23that all may honor the Son just as they honor the Father. He who does not honor the Son does not honor the Father, who sent him." Jesus is the judge. Not the Father. God has given the authority of judgment to Jesus. I had a guy mention that he thought that it's not fair that God be the judge, jury, and executioner. Here's words right out of the mouth of Jesus that refute that.

2. "A time is coming and has now come..." Jesus uses this a lot. He used it in John 4 when he was talking to the woman at the well. You think he was trying to get a point across? Hmm.

3. "You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life." Let me preface this by saying that I believe the Bible to be the inspired word of God and that it is infallible, but I believe that many churches today have put the emphasis on the book and not who the book is about. They spend more time arguing about the words in a book, instead of living out what Jesus says. Everyone has to be right. They have to argue and argue until finally someone's pride wins out and someone takes home the trophy.

On to Chapter Six.

The Fourth Chapter

2008-09-09T06:42:00.000-07:00

I read John 4 this morning. That is one seriously chocked-full chapter. I could spend an entire blog on just the first half. But I'll just kind of give snippets of what I thought was important.

First-
I'm having a discussion with a friend about salvation. That friend thinks that salvation is an ongoing thing, it doesn't happen only once. I'm of the persuasion that when we accept Christ, we're ultimately saved. We can lose that salvation if we turn away from God, but then that makes me question the first acceptance. Christ says in verse 13, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." It seems to me that when we drink of the water that Christ gives, we'll never have to drink again. Our thirst for life is extinguished.

Second-
Christ says, "Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth." I wrote a blog a while back that talked about this. To me, spirit is emotion and truth is knowledge. The true worshipers will learn to harness the balance between worshiping with our emotions and worshiping with our knowledge. There are a lot of churches who are great with the emotions, but lack the knowledge, and vice versa. The successful churches for the building of Christ's Kingdom will be the ones who can excel at both.

Third-
After Jesus talks to the woman at the well, his disciples say, "Rabbi, eat something." Then Jesus replies, "I have food to eat that you know nothing about." This is the ultimate expression of power. It's like the line from the MTV diary show, "You think you know me, but you have no idea." The disciples were following Jesus personally and they still didn't understand that Jesus was in full communication and presence with the Father. He didn't need a thing.

How are we, in our every day lives, underestimating God?

Truth From An Atheist

2008-09-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

I was listening to one of my favorite groups today, Set Your Goals, and they have a line in a song that says, "Life is about the process and not the result." As a Christian, I somewhat agree with that statement. Even though the group are a bunch of atheists, they speak some truth about the Christian life. I think a lot of times the church gets caught up in Heaven. Possibly, dare I say it, too caught up. It's almost as if our salvation is a one way ticket to Heaven, without doing anything while we're on earth.

I don't think our lifespans would be as long as they are for us to waste our time here and not accomplish anything for our Creator.

Christ, in everything He says, speaks of the Kingdom. This Kingdom is not some far off land, or an island floating in the sky, or a mystical area, the Kingdom starts here. It starts now. And it starts with everyone of us. This life is all about the process. Less about the result. Yes, the result is that we spend eternity with a God who is full of grace, mercy, and love, but we've got a job to do.

Will your process let you reap a harvest? Or come up empty handed?

Born of the Spirit

2008-09-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

Today I read the third chapter of John. At the end of chapter two is where Jesus overturns the tables in the temple and goes pretty much crazy on everyone in there, righteously I might add. Chapter three starts out with Jesus meeting with a pharisee named Nicodemus. To me, Nicodemus is one of the most important characters in the gospels, besides Jesus of course, because he shows us that some who are involved in religious ideas and practices for the sake of religion are that way because of ignorance. They've been raised that way, which I'm sure Nicodemus was, and therefore they know nothing else. They don't know that there is a true relationship factor with Jesus. Nicodemus didn't let his religion stand in the way of the relationship with Jesus. He questioned and bounced things off of Jesus in a inquisitive way.

One verse that stood out to me was after Jesus told Nicodemus he must be born again to enter the Kingdom of God. Nicodemus never sees past the literal. Jesus is a very figurative speaker, and just like the woman at the well, no one is thinking in metaphors. They can't see past the literal. Verse seven starts:

You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.

This tells me a lot about how we should view missions. If we have professed and believe in Jesus Christ as the way to the Father, then we are all born of the Spirit. When it comes to living, breathing, and helping others along the way, they should see the effects of what we're doing, not the individual doing it. We do what we want when it comes to helping others, but don't let your pride get in the way of what you're doing. Be like the wind and move around all over the place, but only leave traces of the love of Christ, not your own name.

I think if a lot of people had less expectations for some sort of return when they helped people, the body of Christ could have a much larger impact on our community and the rest of the world.

It's The Same All the Way Around

2008-09-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

This past Wednesday I tried something different. I'm the worship leader for a ministry on my college campus and Wednesday was the first meeting that was actually on campus. We usually meet at a church not far from the school. Anyway. The message was centered around the news of Christ and how we're supposed to lose our life for Him, so I decided to do the Coldplay song Yellow. It can be interpreted as God talking to us in lines like, "I came across, I came across for you. And all the things you do. Cause you were all yellow." Yellow is a color usually associated with bruising, cowardess, or even death. We were damaged when God sent Jesus to save us. There's also a line at the end that says, "For you I'd bleed myself dry." This is exactly what Christ did for us.

That's just the explanation of the night.

I'll be honest and say that it didn't go over that great. We started the song too late and the students were all standing there in an awkward situation.

I'm kind of upset because someone said they didn't like "the secular songs in worship."

I guess I'm not old-fashioned or I'm a little more tolerant, but to me, I hate to label things. I heard someone say something like, "You know what happens when you get pigeon-holed? They shit on you."

Things with labels cause division. Political parties cause division. Denominations cause division.

All truth is God's no matter where it's found. It doesn't have to be sold at a Christian bookstore, or even say Jesus in the lyrics, to be considered truth. I just don't understand why we have to pull something like music aside and say, "This is mine. This is 'Christian', everything else is for the heathens."

It's all God's.

The Next Installment

2008-09-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

I read Chapter Two today.

The first part of Chapter Two is where Jesus performs his first miracle of turning water into wine. There is an interesting footnote in my bible that talks about the significance of Jesus choosing to perform this sign. The banquet was put on by some common folk. In the Jewish culture the wine at a banquet was arguably the most important part. A banquet without wine would be a failure. So in providing the wine, Jesus was saving the banquet. Not only did he turn the water into wine, He turned it into good wine. John was probably trying to convey that Christ's saving mission wasn't just mediocre wine. It is the ultimate wine that provides us with eternal life.

Another thing I found interesting was Jesus' failure to deny the opportunity, even though it seemed as if he didn't want to.

"Dear woman, why do you involve me? Jesus replied. "My time has not yet come."

Here's the funny part. His mother tells the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."

This is great, because Jesus, though God incarnate, is following the ten commandments. He is obeying is mother even though he may think the start of His ministry is premature...or did He?

Starting in verse 12 is one of my favorite passages of Scripture. I absolutely love it that Christ used righteous anger to overturn the temple's tables. Verse 17 says, "His disciples remembered that it is written: Zeal for your house will consume me."

This struck me as very important. We should be filled with zeal when it comes to church. Our churches are the houses of God and He dwells there, so why do we sometimes take going to church lightly? I mean, church isn't a building, but it's the house of God no matter whatever sort of building you meet in. We should love going to church because it's a chance to worship and grow with the Creator of the universe. Zeal is such a great word.

A Change of Pace

2008-09-04T06:25:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been blogging a lot about issues pertaining to myself, and that's all well and good, but I'm finding that my life in the Word is falling to the wayside. I don't remember the last time I took the time to sit and quietly meditate on God's Word. So I started today and I'm going to read through the book of John. I'll blog on every chapter with ideas, questions, etc. This way, I can actually chew on each chapter.

John Chapter One

Okay. So a few things stuck out at me.

Jesus looked at him and said, "You are Simon son of John. You will be called Cephas" (which, when translated, is Peter).

Jesus took the time when each disciple came to Him to either keep their old name, or rename them. I find this amazing because it shows that the Creator of the universe knows us inside and out and decided to name us. If you were there with Jesus, what name would He give you?

Philip, like Andrew and Peter, was from the town of Bethsaida. Philip found Nathanael and told him, "We have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph."

"Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" Nathanael asked.

"Come and see," said Philip.

Sometimes when God calls me to do something, my first reply is "Can anything good come out of that? That sounds crazy!" Sometimes we don't understand what God is trying to do because God does not work by human logic. He said the last will be first and the first will be last, I mean, Jesus came and turned everything upside down. Nothing is what it seems when Christ is at the center of it. Nathanael goes on to ask Jesus, "How do you know me?" My answer to this is "How does He not know us?" There is nothing that escapes Jesus. He is omnisicient. That's what makes Him amazing.

Just to flip the question around, how do you know Him?

Fire: To burn or not to burn?

2008-09-03T07:07:00.001-07:00

I should definitely be reading for class right now, but I would rather be writing. Well, I will say that I did do some reading for one of my classes so I feel semi-productive for the morning. In my reading for my Language and Linguistics class I read some interesting historical facts on the early thoughts of what language is. In the Assyrian and Babylonian cuneiform tablets it was said that disorders of language developed "when man's brain holds fire." This is so interesting to me. If you read in the book of John it says that "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." I kind of interpret this as language being an amazing gift of the expression of who God is. When I think about language, it is an amazingly powerful tool that God has given us to communicate with Him and with others. So "when man's brain holds fire" it holds power.

For me to hold any sort of power is the opportunity for things to go completely wrong.

The disorders of our life come when the brain holds fire. When we think that we've found it, we've got it all figured out, and have the keys to the universe in our hands, this is when God comes down and tells us that we're nowhere close. We are in no way capable of holding onto "fire" by ourselves. We have to have some sort of help and accountability when it comes to being in a position of power, or else, we will perish.

I can't hold fire without God being there to guide me with it. What is the use of fire if the only thing it does is burn? We should embrace opportunities of holding fire, but it should be used with care, and as a guiding light; not a way to burn people.

Is your brain holding fire or using it to guide others?

Seasons

2008-09-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

So we're approaching a new season and I'm about 95% sure that it's my favorite. Fall, or for you poets and people who just like to be more sophisticated, Autumn. I'm not really a Summer guy because well, I just don't tan. All I do is burn, turn pink, sometimes peel, and then turn stark white again. Sunburn really isn't that fun and I don't handle heat that well either. I love Autumn. It's not quite freezing cold, it doesn't really rain that much, and there's a lot of food involved. We've got Thanksgiving, which is the only holiday dedicated to EATING and we've got Halloween which has a ton of candy. Anyway, I also love Autumn because of highschool football games. Sitting on the bleachers with a sweatshirt and some fries or a burger just makes me feel great. And it feels so much better to go from being cold, to being warm. When I go into an air-conditioned room from being really hot, all it does is make me feel kinda sick.

On a more metaphorical note, I love Autumn because it's the chance to lose myself. Just like the leaves fall and the seasons change, it feels like a chance to get right what I've gotten wrong. It's a chance to change things in my life that need to be changed and let those things fall to the ground.

And just like you rake the leaves up and put them in a pile and either burn them or turn them into compost, the things in your life that are less than admirable can be turned into something that you can learn from and that God can recycle into something good. There is nothing that God can't use to make Himself look awesome! He'll turn it around and use it for His glory.

What things in your life could God take and turn them around?

The Same Power

2008-09-01T18:49:00.000-07:00

I was driving home tonight and some sort of conviction/brokenness/something else happened to me and I just started crying.

I've been a failure when it comes to being a follower of Christ. Especially in the past month or two. My joy has been lost, I'm stretched beyond what is probably healthy, and my heart is just flat out tired.

I was listening to the new Hillsong album and the song He Is Lord just made the floodgates of my eyes open and I almost wrecked my car. I pulled myself together and started praying. I told God I felt like a failure and I needed Him to lift me up because my heart is so incredibly tired. I also felt such an intense oppression that I prayed against something that I didn't know was there. Something has been suppressing me lately and I'm sick of it. I told Satan to stay away from me because he is weak compared to the God I live my life for.

Later, the song The Same Power came on and it goes like The same power that conquered the grave lives in me.

We forget that idea so much. We forget the fact that we can heal people, build people up, encourage people, and raise the dead. We have the same authority that Jesus had when He walked the earth.

How many times do we utilize it?

I'm saying that my weakness is a result of how many times I tap into God's power and vice versa.

The more I tap into God's power, the more power that flows through me.

The same power that conquered the grave lives in me.

What A Vicious Cycle

2008-08-31T13:51:00.001-07:00

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I can be so useless for God. At the moment, thought this isn't the worst I've felt, I just feel like every breath is wasted because it doesn't come from a deep enough place. Like I don't feel my words are matching my heart right now. My actions are less than valiant and I do things (a lot of things) that I know only break God's heart. Yet I do them anyway, sometimes without a care.

So I'm feeling useless at the moment.

This is so hard because I love to lead worship. I love to sing praise to God and play music for Him, but when I screw up, man...do I feel like I'm in the wrong. I feel like I'm a complete hypocrite and my words are in vain.

Am I? Are they?

Some scripture says to stay silent if you don't mean the words you say.

I've also been taught that you should persevere through your trials and in worship because even though your mind may not be "in it," your heart is.

I feel like my heart is, but my actions tell me where my heart is, and my heart is drifting. I haven't read the Word in a while, ok, a long time, and that's probably where this is stemming. This week, I'm vowing to surround myself with nothing but Godly things, in hopes to somehow purge this vice from my life.

I'm tired of just treating the syptoms. I'll be okay for awhile, but then it creeps right back in and destroys what I had built up with God's help.

It's interesting that as I started writing this blog it started to pour outside. Like pelting rain. And I had this sudden urge to just run outside and get soaked in it because I feel like I'm covered in dirt. Or that I just need to have water run over me. Hmm.

Keep me accountable this week, even if you don't know what it is, just ask me how I'm doing. Thanks.

Worry Wart

2008-08-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

Over the past week or two, I've been trying to catch myself when I start to worry about something. I'm one who worries a lot. It may not seem like it because I can play myself off as a really laid back kind of guy, but I'm often worrying about something.

I really want to not worry.

I've been super busy lately and all I can think of is how busy I am. It's like all the things I have to do, whether I want to do them or not, have become checkboxes. I get so caught up in the fact that I have to get it done, while it's happening, I can't focus on the present. I can't focus on the moment. I'm constantly focusing on the after. Which is really not the way to enjoy life. I mentioned in a previous post that Jesus says no one can add an hour to their life by worrying, so what's the point?

So I'm trying to make an intentional effort when I start worrying about something to take a breath and realize that I need to embrace the moment, good or bad, and see how God is going to use me in that.

Politik

2008-08-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

I know I've already posted today, but I couldn't wait to post this tomorrow given that I'd probably forget anything that I want to talk about.

I was reading earlier today about Cameron Strang, editor of Relevant Magazine, backing out of the closing benediction of the Democratic National Convention last night. I love Relevant Magazine. They are will to put things in that magazine that kind of blur the lines between what is Christian and what is secular. Including "secular" music talents and other things. It's really the only magazine I find appealing to read on a regular basis.

People are bashing him because he didn't put himself up there and give a little prayer. People say he's weak because he didn't pray in public. There are so many pharisees out there! All they care about is seeing their faith on national television! Jesus Himself spoke out against these kinds of people. Strang kindly declined because in order to fulfill his goal of keeping a bridge-building dialogue between the two parties, he did not want to be equivocally supporting a specific candidate. If he had given the benediction it would have made him look as if he supports Obama. Strang is a registered independent and I believe his decision was a wise one journalistically.

His replacement for the benediction was author Donald Miller.

Now people are attacking Miller because of his interview with Christianity Today. It's all so ridiculous to me because people have forgotten that not everyone has the same viewpoints. People disagree and it's going to happen for the rest of the time the earth is still in existence. I love Miller's book Blue Like Jazz. It is an incredible approach to reach an audience who need a different approach to Christian living. What people don't realize is that he has another book which dives deeper into his Christian beliefs. If these accusers would only pick that up and read it, they would find that Miller is very much a believer.

I'm sick of the religious right parading around talking about two things. Abortion and Gay Marriage. Let's get off that horse because it's been beaten so hard. When your party is known for two things, you're failing. All the Right uses these issues for is to get the evangelical vote. I am personally anti-abortion. I am anti-preemptive war. You cannot be PRO-LIFE if you are PRO-WAR. The conservatives wear their pro-life stickers and bracelets like trophies, but then go off and support the slaughter of millions of people. Jesus didn't say only love your neighbor if he's not a terrorist. Only love your neighbor if they've had babies in wedlock. Only love your neighbor if they haven't had an abortion. Only love your neighbor if they're straight. He says love your neighbor as yourself. He also says love your enemies.

Church and state are two completely different things. The government is not the body that should be telling women what they can and cannot do with their bodies. That is a moral decision. A personal decision. The church should be the ones educating women about abortion, not the government. However, half the people in this country see the crazy extremists of the faith and turn away, so how can the church be taken seriously?

Can we talk about education for a second because it seems like abortion and gay marriage are the only issues that get media attention. I really don't want to hear anyone complain about how horrid schools are and then complain that the taxes are too high. Taxes are what make our schools. People forget that public schooling is a government institution. Higher taxes mean better government institutions, if the money goes to the right place. Republicans for the past eight years have gone off the deep end in spending on stupid things. I'm all for lowering taxes, but the government has to lower the spending. If it's not getting income, it can't spend what it doesn't have. Well it can, just look at the deficit. Anyway, schools need an overhaul and the Republicans shot everything to hell with the No Child Left Behind act. There needs to be drastic change in the way this country is run and I'm not sure that another Republican president can provide that.

I'm still not sure who I'll be voting for, but I can guarantee that come November this will be a historically different election.

A Work In Progress

2008-08-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start compiling thoughts together and attempt at creating a book. I've always seen myself writing a book because I always have something to say, but I've never really sat down and tried to attempt starting one. My interests have sort of shifted from fiction to Christian thought in the past couple of years and it's about time that I actually attempted something and seen it through. I wrote the "first" chapter today, and I'll post it here. You'll realize my quotes around "first" after you read it. Comments are so totally welcome!!! Here's an editing question for those of you who actually have published work: How many pages typed in Word constitute the right length for a decent sized published chapter?

Chapter One

Chapter Two: Why There Is No Chapter One

“Do not enjoy yourself. Enjoy dances and theaters and joy-rides and champagne and oysters; enjoy jazz and cocktails and night-clubs if you can enjoy nothing better; enjoy bigamy and burglary and any crime in the calendar, in preference to the other alternative; but never learn to enjoy yourself."

G.K. Chesterton

The reason why there is no Chapter One is because I don’t like Chapter One. I don’t like having to start something new because blank pages, new places, etc. scare me. Don’t get me wrong, I love change. I love putting myself into situations that require me to get out and do things, meet people, and actually acquire a life, but that doesn’t change the fact that they scare the daylights out of me. Chapter One is scary. I feel like the unknown is lurking around the corner ready to jump out with some sort of sharp object or firearm to send me to oblivion. For me, this is brought to life in the form of clowns. I’m so afraid of clowns. Why would any kid in their right mind ever want a clown at a birthday party? Haven’t you ever seen the movie It? Clowns are horrible. They plop around in their larger than life shoes, dressed in bright colors, and pretend to be obnoxiously happy all the time. Not to mention, at least in the King movie, some clowns are actually monsters! Creepy!
So in keeping with the metaphor of change as Chapter One, and Chapter One as a clown, I always bring a little water with me. This water destroys the pages of Chapter One so there’s only Chapter Two, and wipes all the makeup off the clown’s face and reveals what’s underneath: a real person. This makes Chapter One situations not so ominous. There are so many scary things about Chapter One experiences and if there’s one thing that scares us the most, it’s feeling alone. Feeling alone is such a tricky subject to talk about because it’s unappealing and appealing at the same time. For one, feeling alone is easy. We don’t have to put ourselves through clown moments because we are comfortable in front of the computer playing games, checking Facebook or Myspace pages, or talking vicariously through an instant messenger. Feeling alone is a monster because in some strange way it feels good. However, when we are alone, usually of our own doing, we complain and feel depressed that we are alone. Never learn to enjoy yourself. Once you learn to enjoy yourself, others learn to enjoy not having you around. You become the ultimate Debbie Downer.
I call myself a musician/artist/aesthetic thinker and with that territory comes an ability to easily slink into depression. I’m constantly thinking about ideas, roaming around in the expanse of my head, and mostly over-analyzing things, so when something doesn’t go my way, or something upsetting happens, it stays in the forefront of my mind for an extended period of time. I don’t really fight these thoughts because the idea is passed around in society that being depressed is cool. The single, cultured, depressed, poet type is the one who everyone wants to be around. Chicks dig the poet. That is so untrue! If this were true I think I’d be on a different date every night! The hard part about Chapter One is trying to fight the urge to enjoy yourself—to feel alone. Now, feeling alone is different from being alone. There are times, and they must happen to have healthy relationships, where everyone needs alone time. This is being alone. Feeling alone is where you have healthy relationships, but whenever you’re away from those people, or those situations, you feel as if life isn’t complete. Your friends and family aren’t enough to feed the monster. This is untrue. You need to be able to function as well alone as you do with others. Jesus was fine on his own. He had his disciples, but I’m sure they weren’t with Him every waking hour of the day. He had to have His alone time. We all do. If we claim to follow the example of Christ, everyone needs to be alone sometimes.
There are several things we can use to fight the urge to feel alone. Chapter One doesn’t have to be so bad. Humor and wit are probably two of the most important things to me when starting a Chapter One experience. To take what life throws at you and make lemonade out of lemons is in my top three life lessons. Jesus says, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Don’t worry about feeling alone! Take measures to not worry! Be intentional about making life light, fun, and without pressure. Even when it is full of darkness, pain, and serious pressure. You’ll be able to handle things easier when you take a step back, breathe, and handle things as they are.
Once you handle Chapter One, you’re golden. Pretty soon you’ll be to Chapter Two, and off to Chapter Three!

Limbo Limbo Limbo

2008-08-25T19:32:00.000-07:00

I just finished my last day of training for my new job. I'm seriously glad to be done with it. I'll be even more happy when I start actually waiting tables instead of participating in ridiculous role-play assignments that are nothing like real life. Anyway. This whole job situation got me thinking because I don't really feel as if this job is getting me anywhere. I've been waiting tables for awhile now and as someone who wants to be in full time ministry, it's making feel as if I'm purposeless. I'm in the restaurant with a bunch of people, and it's not so bad at this restaurant, but in most I've been in, I've been working with people who have made a career out of the food industry. There's nothing wrong with that, because you make good money, but it's just not something that I want to do much longer. I'm ready for my real career.

This also got me thinking in another direction.

Even though I want to be in ministry a.k.a. work in the church, do design stuff, play music, etc, my question for myself is: is the real ministry not where I am now?

Aren't I in the field?

I know these are the right questions to be asking, but I'm not sure I'm in the place right now to follow through with it. I'll be completely honest and say that I'm a selfish person. I want the way I make money to be the way that I want it to be. Not what's available.

This goes along with the blog I wrote awhile back about being in between things. I can't do anything else right now and that's what's killing me. I'm ready to start a real life, but it's just not time yet.

I'm just holding on.

Oh What A Night

2008-08-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

I don't think I can even express what a success The Gathering was tonight. We had about thirty-six people representing about six or seven different churches. I was blown away! This was a totally grassroots effort and I think we're only going to gain more momentum and followers. I give everything that happened tonight up to God because we are nothing without Him. People came through, the volunteers were absolutely amazing, and we've made some great connections through The Gathering that will benefit us in the future. I think that Ringgold doesn't know what it's in for in the next year or so, but I can see this becoming something huge. Please continue praying for The Gathering as we start the next journey towards the next one. Keep a look out at www.thegathering155.com for future information. We're also on facebook and at myspace.com/thegathering155. Check us out!

Until the next one.

False Defeat

2008-08-22T17:52:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling kind of down right now and I know exactly why. As soon as I get done writing this blog I'm going to get on my face and pray. The Gathering is going to be awesome, but right now I feel like I'm under attack. I forgot to do some things today that could have cost The Gathering it's place to meet and I feel like I failed in that department. Anyway, I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I'll be gone all day so I feel like things are out of my hands. In all truth and honesty they really need to be. If things were in my hands they would be ruined. So this is completely in God's hands and I have to trust that He will come through. He always does. Please pray really hard tonight and tomorrow. I need it.

The Chance to Get Things Right

2008-08-22T12:07:00.000-07:00

I was coming home from doing some homework at Panera Bread today and my friend, who's the student pastor at my church, called me and told me about the Hillsong Healer guy being a fake. My mouth dropped. I felt like I got hit in the gut with a ton of brick. The first time I saw the video of that song, I was completely broken and started crying. I'm a cancer survivor myself and to see a fellow fighter singing about Christ as our Healer hit me so hard. I got home and immediately started looking online for news about it, blogs from others who have written about it, etc. and my friend who brought the ordeal to light for me sent me a link to Brad Ruggles' blog. I encourage everyone to read that blog and also, where you see the word "respect" as a link, click on that, and read Anne Jackson's blog as well.

Something I haven't seen written, and it may have but I haven't seen it, is that this Michael guy's song Healer is even more true now that he has confessed to not having a terminal illness.

He's still in need of a Healer. Jesus Christ is still the ultimate Healer and will eventually heal Michael of his emotional despair.

I absolutely love Anne Jackson when she says, "There are obviously consequences and pain that come along with confession…I mean, when you confess, obviously you’ve screwed up somewhere along the journey. And sin does break the heart of god and causes problems in relationships. Sometimes it’s even impossible to mend those human relationships. People will let you down. I’d like to challenge you to suck it up a bit when you’re hurt or disappointed by someone who’s fallen. Instead realize that their confession is actually a huge part of them becoming restored. It’s a huge step toward holiness. and that should be celebrated."

The idea here is Grace. Grace with a capital G. Michael's sin is no greater than any one of ours, and judgement is not even ours to deal with in the first place. Judge lest ye be judged. Yes, we're all hurt by this, but let's not stop there!

I'm totally past the initial shock of the ordeal and moving towards an attitude of grace. He's our fellow Christian brother and when one falls, we all do. So let's pick him up, and with the grace of Christ Jesus, carry him until he can walk on his own. This is the church's chance to get things right.

I'll be praying for Michael. Will you?

On Church Signs

2008-08-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

I went up to the mall today and passed a gazillion churches along the way. On my way home I noticed a church's sign that read, "No life is more secure than a life with Jesus Christ." Now did you read that the way I did? Not having a life is more secure than having a life with Jesus Christ? Now, I know exactly what their true intentions were with that sign, but it took a double take to get to the meaning.

In some ways, I agree with the first way I read it.

Having an uneventful life, sitting on the sidelines, doing absolutely nothing, is more secure than a life with Jesus Christ. I mean, look at Paul, he was beaten, imprisoned, and eventually murdered by Christian haters. I think, as Christians, we find ourselves immersed in the idea that when we say yes to God, our lives are going to magically reappear as flawless, conflict-less, perfect little lives. That is simply not true. Our lives will be filled with trials, tests, and some serious conflict because we've chosen a side. In this all out war between the ultimate Good and the ultimate evil, we've chosen Good. That means that evil wants us even more. So yes, our lives are in no way secure because we've chosen Jesus Christ.

As I was thinking about it, I don't agree with the statement in it's true intent because the Christian life is not secure in the least bit...if it's lived out right.

Now, we are ultimately protected by our Creator and Savior, but it doesn't mean that harm will just bypass us. We have to stand up against it. I believe that our future is secure, at least our future for eternal life in Heaven, but our earthly lives are anything but. God will take care of us, but He's going to let trials come and we have to be strong enough to take them.

So church signs are interesting. Most of them are hilarious and really make me want to vomit, but some, even in their hilarity or ridiculousness make you think...if you're up to it.

Keys to the Kingdom

2008-08-20T20:34:00.000-07:00

I was struggling all day long about what to write about. I couldn't for the life of me think of anything. I mean, I knew I needed to write something, and I knew I was listening to something yesterday that I knew I wanted to write about, and tonight I finally remembered.

I spend a lot of time driving in my car. I mean a lot. I live in Ringgold, which is like 10 minutes from the Tennessee state line. I got to school in Kennesaw and I commute there twice a week, sometimes more. Anyway, I spend a lot of time in the car, so I listen to a lot of music. I also do a lot of thinking.

I was listening to Josh Ritter's The Animal Years album on the way home tonight. The first track is called Girl In The War and there's a line in it that says, "The keys to the kingdom got locked inside the kingdom." That got me thinking. Have we, as Christians and the church, locked ourselves inside the kingdom? Have we bubbled ourselves in with no regard to the people on the outside?

Have we created the Christian bubble?

I say we have.

There are many many people out there who sit in their holy huddle on Sundays and couldn't give a rats hindparts about actually living out their faith. They think arguing about some political issue at lunch after church is their duty to society. Teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and lousy education, these are beyond these people. I can hear them saying, "That girl has a kid and she's sixteen years old. Someone needs to tell her she's in a bad spot. What a slut."

I say no more.

Jesus says no more.

Go ahead, throw the first stone.

We can't live like this. It's not how Christ wants us to live. We need to branch out, and as for sinners like you and me, we don't continue to need someone to tell us what we're doing wrong. We know. However, there are some out there that don't recognize that what they're doing is wrong, and for these people, we have to have a little more tact than the church has had in the past, but teenage girls with kids have living proof of their mistake. Let's love them now, and tell them that there's a future that God is writing for them, and their child, despite their mistakes. Let's pop some bubbles and get the keys out where they belong: unlocking people's chains.

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

2008-08-20T13:00:00.001-07:00

Fighting, Tug of War, and Other Ways to Not Listen

2008-08-19T06:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day of classes and I thought I had everything sorted out and ready to go. For some reason, I ended up signing up for two classes that met at the same time. In the past, the system wouldn't let you sign up for two classes at the same time, it would say they had a time conflict. Not anymore. I didn't catch this mistake until the day before classes started. So the outcome is that I have to drop the class I've been trying to take for like two years now, and pick up another class that I really don't want to take in order to stay in school on a full-time basis.

Crazy.

I was driving home last night and got to thinking. The door has been shut on this class, Writing for Film and Television, many times. I asked God if I was still fighting Him. I've always fought God over control of where my future is headed. I told Him a long time ago that I would never be a missionary. I've been to India and Guatemala. I also told Him I would never be a teacher. My major is now English Education.

My thoughts are that I'm trying to turn my college education away from the subject that God wants me in. I mean, I may be over-analyzing, but when doors shut more than once, I can't help but think that God is trying to say something.

I can't win tug of war with God.

Sunday

2008-08-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

Sundays are great. Minus the whole get to church for set up at 6:30am, and then the nonstop go, go, go, until about 1:00. I seriously just walked in the door maybe 10 minutes ago. Remind me to breathe. Anyway. Today went really well. I played drums today, which doesn't happen very often, but it's kind of a breath of fresh air to do something different every once in awhile. I feel like there are different times ahead for The Springs. We're getting to the point where we're about two years old. Our second anniversary will be September 9th of this year and that's exciting. I was reading Mark Batterson's book "In A Pit With A Lion on A Snowy Day" last night and he said something about how close to 80%--or something like that--of church plants never see their second year. The Springs has been growing in it's second year. In the summer! Churches don't grow in the summer! If anything they shrink. But I think that in the next year or so we're going to be, one: weeding out the people who aren't in this for the long haul, and two: bringing in new faces and seeing the people who are committed to this church through it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously on the brink of being burnt out, but my weakness is the perfect time for God to move.

If we're really where we need to be to lead this church, being burnt out is the best place to be. Being tired is being in the right spot. Being weary is perfect. That's where God works wonders, moves mountains, and shows Himself in all His glory.

Yep. I'm getting tired, weary, and burnt out, but I know that my God has called me to His church and when I feel like quitting, I think of the call.

Abraham was called.

Noah was called.

David was called.

Jesus was called.

When they felt scared, tired, or like quitting, who did they turn to?

Needless to say, there are some different times coming, and yeah, there will be some losses, some people who I will miss, but welcome to ministry.

Long live the King.

Tweener

2008-08-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

I've been throwing around this term in my head. Tweener. Usually a person who is in between where they were and where they're headed. Kind of like a purgatory of sorts. Like the summer between middle school and high school, you're a tweener. Or like me, I've hit 22 and I'm about to hit 23 in about 5 months, and I've been struggling with this tweenage. I'm coming to the end of my schooling, but it's just too far out to actually see the end. I've got a job, but waiting tables really doesn't make me feel like I have any purpose in this world. And I'm still living with my parents.

I've got the serious itch to move out. However, I can't find the time to have a real job. There's nothing I can do about this either, I mean, if I could find a job that would let me work 3 days a week and have enough pay to move into my own place, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I'm stuck living as a tweener.

It's like I have to explain myself when I say I live with my parents. I know people that are younger than me that have moved out, but such is life. It's not a horrible thing, my parents are great, but I don't want to be thought of as a freeloader. I have no other option. I spent to much time trying to decide what I was going to do in college, transferring, and being a tweener times a thousand, that life has caught up and I'm stuck.

Things are coming to a head, but not fast enough. I'm ready for the next stage.

Things Will Be What They Will Be

2008-08-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and went to the gym. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, I actually exercised. Contrary to popular belief, I am becoming more and more of an active person. I woke up, despite my intense desire to stay in my nice, warm, cozy, bed, and did what I believe I was supposed to do. This is so much like our spiritual walks with God. There are times where we seriously do not want to get out of bed and do what we know will make us better in the end. We don’t want to give up our habits that we enjoy, but we know are harmful in the long run, or the short run for that matter. Even though those habits may interfere with our relationship with the Father. This is just one thought I’ve had since I’ve been up extra early.

This is most likely going to be a long, random blog.

Another thought I had was how cool last night was.

I went to my friends’ house because they wanted me to meet a girlfriend of theirs, so I said sure. I had already seen pictures of her so it wasn’t the dreaded blind date, it wasn’t even a date at all, and I thought she was cute, so I consented to meeting her. Let me just say that pictures lie. She was gorgeous. So needless to say, I’ve got that on my mind right now.

I was talking with my brother before I went over there about how I’m a serious over-thinker. I analyze things, think about the what-if’s, and even dwell on them sometimes, but this time I just let things be what they were.

I feel like that is a personal goal that was met this time around and I’m proud of myself. This is the first time where I have had reigns over my thoughts and I’m not “crushing” per say, I just see this as potential for a positive direction in my relationship life. It was super preliminary, super casual, and went in just the right direction. I didn’t get her number, I didn’t ask her on a date, and I am so unbelievably okay with that. Things will be what they will be.

On the other hand, the following is what always happens in a situation like this. However, I will say it’s not happening now, and that’s another milestone for me.

Instead of rejoicing and being positive about a point in my life such as this, I tend to get depressed. I’ve been caught up in the idea—I guess because I’m a musician/artist/aesthetic person—that being depressed is cool. On the contrary, it’s such a waste of life.

I believe this whole habit is because of my past experiences. I’ve never had a successful attempt at a relationship. Never had mutual feelings shared with anyone. Rejection has been a huge part of this part of my life. So when someone comes along that I’m interested in, I get depressed because, based solely on past experiences, I believe I will never have that person. This is stupid. I mean, of course I’ll never get that person if I think like that.

So this time things are different.

I look forward to hanging out and getting to know her more. I look forward to having another potential friend in my life, or possibly something more, we’ll just wait and see.

Things will be what they will be.

Stretched

2008-08-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

If I'm completely honest with myself, and sometimes it hurts like you know what, I'm completely over stretching myself right now. I'm the kind of person who needs to always be doing something. I need to be a part of something. If I'm at school, it's not enough to just go to class and go home, I choose to be a part of campus ministries. If I'm at church, it's not enough to just go to church, I have to be involved. If I'm at home, it's not enough to just sit at home, I have to go out. You get the idea.

I just realized how many I's are in this post.

I'm asking the constant question of "Am I truly serving others or serving others to please myself?"

Am I serving to be served? To be happy? To ultimately make myself feel better?

I want to serve. Without expectations. But I have a hard time saying no.

Here's a list of everything in my life that I'm a part of:

1. Church: worship leading, student leader

2. Home life: The Gathering (founder and band leader) Red Robin (waiting tables)

3. School: Classes, homework, Wesley Foundation Worship Team

An average week once school starts:

Sunday: Set up at 6:30am, lead worship, home for a few hours, either student ministry at 7 or wait tables that night

Monday: Commute to Kennesaw from Ringgold, Class from 12:30-4:45, Wesley band practice at 6, commute home to Ringgold

Tuesday: Work on Gathering stuff, Wait tables

Wednesday: Commute to Kennesaw from Ringgold, Class from 12:30-6:15, Wesley at 7, Commute home to Ringgold

Thursday: Work on Gathering stuff, wait tables, The Springs band rehearsal at 7

Friday: Work on Gathering stuff, wait tables

Saturday: Wait tables

This is purely for my own information, and my own venting, not to say "look here's how busy I am." I just need it in writing.

Anyway, pray that I would be able to handle all this right now, and that I would make the right decisions if there are hard ones to make.

Rants

2008-08-07T06:22:00.000-07:00

So I've been on vacation this week and haven't really had time to blog, but I did have time to, get this, actually write with a pen...on paper...in a journal...so this is it:

August 6th 2008...In the car coming home from Charlotte, NC

I haven't journaled in a really long time. I have created a blog thought, but I'm in the car and have no access. There's a mood I'm in that is so restless. It's like I feel God is planning something huge in my life and I'm not patient enought to wait for it. I search for things that will change my life in drastic ways just so that i can scratch the itch for change in my life on my own terms. The thing I should be doing is taking this lull and using it to get closer to God and letting Him work on whatever it is that He's doing. Part of this is a jealousy and envy of other people whose lives have taken a turn for the better and my own lust for success. I have this premature fear of being stuck in the same place, with the same people, in the same job, for the rest of my life, and that's not what I want. It's too early for me to be thinking that because I'm only 22, but there are people around me that aren't much older than me, or the same age, and they are happily married and have families, some are seriously successful musically, and people that care for them intimately. Maybe this is what I'm sort of running from. If I keep myself busy with myself then it takes the loneliness and takes it down a notch. I don't think about it as much. I just can't help thinking things through and thinking forward. I can't help thinking that God has already made me successful as a worship leader on a small scale and has gifted me, or maybe not (and this is another issue) as a songwriter that I could use those on a larger scale. As for the other issue, maybe my stuff's not as good as people think. Maybe I'll never be as good as I need to be to be successful on a larger scale. And maybe I am and I'm being too conservative in my efforts to get my material out there. Maybe I need to put my worship stuff out there for others to use and for the songs to get exposure. One of the reasons, I guess, that I'm not being forward about this stuff is that I'm afraid of my pride. I"m afraid that I"ll become too full of myself and lose God. But I don't want my songs to promote me as an individual, I don't believe that's my calling. I'm not a performer, I'm not a "musical artist" in the business sense, I'm a worship leader and a songwriter. I want my songs to promote God, not even the church I"M writing for. I don't want my songs affiliated with anyone but Jesus Christ.

That's where I finished the entry, but I knew I had more. It came later that night.

August 6th 6:22pm

I never finished what I was writing above. I just didn't have anything to say at the time, but I knew I wasn't finished. So my attempt now is to finish my thoughts. I'm pretty sure that all my feelings of desire for grandeur stem from the fact that I want someone next to me that will bring change tangibly. Often God doesn't work in instant gratification and sometimes I just want someone who can appear to do that. But would I let her take the place of God? I pray that I would never let that happen. Honestly, I just want someone to complete me because I have a passion for God and I love Him with everything I have, even when I don't act like it. I feel incomplete. I can't help that because it's a desire of my heart, to no be alone intimately. The tough part is this whole waiting thing. I get this feeling that I don't want to date anyone because I really don't feel like getting hurt. I also haven't really felt like there is anyone in my life right now that it would be worth the risk to make myself vulnerable in front of. No one, and I mean no one, has ever had mutual feelings for me and that makes things hard. I don't know what that looks like or how to handle that. It's all crazy, which is why I'm pretty much staying out of that arena right now, unless I know that God has a hand in it. I think I'm pretty much done now.

I don't really edit my journals, so if this doesn't make any sense, it does to me.

Quiet

2008-08-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm up at 9:45 am on day where I have to do nothing. It's quiet, minus my attention craving dog, so I guess that's a plus. I'm starting to realize that when I can be as content with my quiet moments as with my busy moments, I can truly be happy with my life as a whole. Americans have this overwhelming urge to be doing things all the time. I'm one of them. In the Bible, it says, "Be still and know that I am God." How are we ever to know God if we can't be still for more than an hour at a time?

I woke up this morning and completely left God sitting by my bedside. Didn't acknowledge Him, didn't say anything to Him, even though He's the One who I need to dedicate my day to from the very start. I guess this morning stems from the idea that when we're alone, as I am now writing this, that we feel alone. There's a difference between being alone and feeling alone and I forgot to mention this idea in my last blog. Being alone is simply the fact that no one is around you and this is healthy. Everyone needs their alone time, unless you're crazily codependent. The other, feeling alone, is unhealthy because through Christ, no one is ever alone. I'm saying this because in my heart I know it's true, but sometimes, like for the past month or so, my mind doesn't agree. There's a longing for something else in my life, and the times where I am alone, this feeling intensifies and I've avoided being still and quiet. What are you avoiding?

The First

2008-07-31T19:39:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

I was actually thinking tonight, yes I was thinking, that I'm tired of feeling alone. We all deal with that at some point of our lives, and to be honest, I believe we never really feel completely un-alone, if that makes any sense. The hardest part is that I'm not alone and sometimes the people around me aren't good enough. At least, that's what it feels like. My friends and family are absolutely amazing people and would drop everything if they knew that I was in turmoil, but they're not to be with me intimately for the rest of my life. A day is coming where I'm going to be even more alone for longer periods of time. I'm ready for someone to fill the passenger seat in my car on a permanent basis. I'm ready for someone to fill the spot next to me on the couch when I'm watching a movie. I'm ready for someone to complete my ministry and chase after God with me. I'm ready for someone to care about me as much as I care about them. I'm ready for someone to come and break down this wall that I've built around my heart. I'm ready to be infatuated.

I promised myself that this blog wouldn't be filled with woe is me passages about the "unbearable" singleness and nothing but relationship blogs. And it won't. That's why I'm getting it out now. The first one.